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Post by blue rhapsody on Nov 10, 2005 2:29:16 GMT -5
~After waiting days, she finally wanders in to find a notebook. She slowly thumbs through the pile, waiting for one that feels right. Her eyes fall on one with a soft midnight blue cover. She pauses for a moment, then reaches for it. She runs her fingers across the cover, contemplating, before opening it. The pages are pristine and smooth, perfectly textured. She closes it and holds it tightly as she makes her way to a table, where she sits down, takes a deep breath, and begins to write...~
Tonight, I have no eloquence, no inspiration. I just feel tired; but I also feel...satisfied? Adequate words escape me at the moment, but it's like a quiet peace. The questions aren't screaming in my head. The tortured contemplation and desperate loneliness aren't consuming me. For the first time in a long time, I want to go to bed just to sleep. I don’t feel like crawling into bed to escape everything and disappear…
I realized on the way home from work tonight that, for the first time in a long time, I feel relatively at peace. My life isn’t particularly exciting. I go to work. I go home. I do homework. I practice. The time in between is spent driving or doing chores. The only people I really spend time with are my co-workers. However, the problem isn’t about other people (their presence or their absence). Realizing that I can stand myself, that I feel comfortable to be just with myself, is quite comforting at this moment. It means that I can actually DO things. I can actually focus on something and get it done.
The most amazing aspect of all of this: from this particular standpoint, it seems as though I can turn around, look behind me, and see something that just happened. Something I’d been in for so long that I felt as though I’d be eternally stuck there. It’s kind of scary--it gives me goosebumps, makes my whole body prickle. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know how I got here and away from there. But it is incredibly uplifting.
Anyway, along with the ability to focus has come the ability to again feel creative and inspired. I’m rediscovering things I used to love and live for, but that I had cast aside after I felt like I’d failed. It wasn’t completely that I didn’t want to do them; initially, I felt crushed and dreaded facing my failure. But instead of being strong and sucking it all up and pushing myself harder, like I always had before, I punished myself by estranging myself from the things I loved. I punished myself by giving up completely, utterly giving in to failure. In doing so, I also took away my only outlets. Consequently, I became empty…and lost…
When I reached the point where I desperately wanted to move on, I tried to face those things again. It didn’t work. I felt empty, numb, confused, lost, broken; and nothing felt real. I didn’t feel real. It was frustrating.
It’s so bizarre to just suddenly realize that things are different. I don’t know when it happened. But when I practice, I feel. I feel things I’ve never felt. That experience--whatever the hell it was--did give me something. Now that I feel real again, I see that it ultimately gave me depth, nuances, feelings. It also opened me in a lot of ways. I can express new things, but I can also express the things I could never let out before. It’s weird. There are moments where I can’t help but ask myself, is this really me? In all of this, I’m discovering myself.
And writing. Ha! I have missed it so much--it’s like a part of me was gone for awhile. I was surprised to find the release through poetry. I used to write volumes of prose. But for some reason, I can’t stop writing poetry. I can’t even write it out fast enough. It’s all there, in my head, pushing to get out. I’ve pondered posting it, but a part of me is afraid that doing that will cause it to fade a little, lose its intensity. And I can’t believe I had the audacity to turn in those three poems for my class! I have NEVER turned in anything like that. Wow…it’s like I’ve just released into the general public a part of me that no one has ever seen before. (No one ever knew it was there…ha…) Heh. When she read them, Liz’s response was silence, followed by, “Wow.” Then, “They’re really deep. And kinda scary.” Ha.
For awhile, I’ve had times where I’ve been much happier than I have been for a really, really long time. However, they always only last awhile before I’m once again barraged by the old feelings of depression. Now that I’m standing outside of whatever that was, I’m not sure what will happen. But at this moment--right now--I feel comfortable. Comfortable, and ready to go to bed.
~She pauses, momentarily reflecting, before closing her notebook. She closes her eyes, quietly breathing and letting the residual feelings float away...~
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Pixie
Starbound Butterfly
faith and trust and pixie dust
Posts: 335
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Post by Pixie on Nov 10, 2005 2:37:47 GMT -5
good for you*smiles*
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Post by Alexandrea on Nov 10, 2005 3:27:03 GMT -5
Girly Girl, I think we needs to throw me a going back home party...even if I am only going ot be home for like...a month or two or three. But it is a good excuse for you to come back over here and a good excuse to have a little 'Sean Party', if ya know what I mean. I have this really neat I dea i want to try. Anyway. I am so glad that you are coming out of this depression and falling into this flow of creativity. I can only imagine what you music must sound like. Beautiful, then again I bet it was beautiful before. *huggles* If you ever feel like you might be starting to feel a bit low just call us over here. I'll give you my cell number...but it's dead for right now...but you have our apartment number so yeah. Oh I am so happy to know you are doing well. ^_^. Very Very happy
*huggles*
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Post by blue rhapsody on Nov 10, 2005 13:19:50 GMT -5
Thank you, hun... *hugs* Know that you are free to call me anytime, too (I'll give you my number if you guys don't have it). I agree about the going away party...it would be great to see you all. When are you going back??
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Post by blue rhapsody on Nov 12, 2005 2:20:41 GMT -5
As a note: after I wrote this, it occurred to me that maybe I should have posted it in the "Dreams" section. Oh, well...it's what I was thinking about, and I like it here ...I had a bizarre dream last night. I can’t remember it in its entirety; I can only remember the elements that really struck me. It’s so weird…I ALWAYS remember details. Gah. Anyway, I was with someone. I don’t remember who. But this person was talking to me, and I was walking with him or her. We were in a house, and we were walking toward a room at the end of the building. It was separated from the room we were in by two sections of wall. The left section was a full wall; on the right, it was only about three feet high, and there was a gap in between, creating a sort of doorway. As we approached the doorway, I suddenly and unexplainably felt a little uneasy. This vision of a guy forcing himself on a girl flashed through my head… I reached the doorway, and the person I had been walking with stopped and essentially shoved me into the room. In an instant, I visually took everything in. The room was wide, stretching from one exterior wall of the building to the other . On either of those walls was a big square window (at least five feet by five feet). The room felt bright, open; everything was colored in shades of white, beige, and tan. There was no furniture--just a big open room. The floor was covered with something cushy, like a thick foamy mat of some kind, and there were a few flat cushions lying around… And there was a guy. (It took me all day to realize that he slightly resembled a friend's ex-boyfriend. HEH.) Anyway, his back was to me, and he was holding this girl by her arms, threatening her. I dully realized that the person with whom I’d been walking was saying something behind me, and the guy pushed the girl away and turned around. The girl stumbled past me, her head down, back toward the doorway. I’m not sure what I was consciously thinking at this point, but on some level, some inner part of myself knew that this guy would try to coerce me. He was pretty big, taller than I am, really strong and stocky. He had a wide face, really short dark hair, and lip and septum piercings. He looked at me for about two seconds before stepping really close. He started to say something--I can’t remember what, but it was really aggressive and offensive, basically something along the lines that he was going to force me, rape me.... He moved closer as he was talking, until he was right in my face. And I just stood there, looking at his face, calmly letting him say whatever he thought he should say. I was completely calm, totally unimpressed. I could feel my eyebrows involuntarily lift a little. And then, suddenly, I pushed forward into HIS space, defensively and aggressively shouting at HIM. I was angry. I pushed him, physically pushed him away from me. As I was dreaming this, I was thinking, wow, this guy is really huge…how can I possibly overpower him? I can’t push him around…he’s huge. But the me in the dream literally pushed this huge guy away. As I was dreaming, I was surprised at myself. I have never been aggressive like that. I’ve never stood up to anybody like that, not that I’ve ever been in a position exactly like it. But I always assume that if I were, I’d be spineless and passive, pathetically pushed around. This whole reaction wasn’t at all what I expected. It wasn’t just that these actions were un-premeditated; it’s as though they were completely unconnected to my own thought processes. (It’s like I was both dreaming and experiencing; in the dream, I was experiencing things through my own body--if that makes sense--but at that moment, I wasn’t thinking through that me. I was thinking from outside the dream, like a spectator. It’s hard to explain…I was physically experiencing things through the body of the me in the dream, but I was thinking from outside of the dream, more on my “conscious” level.) Anyway, I then pushed past the guy and ran to the end of the room, because I had seen a doorway. However, as I got closer to it, I realized it was blocked off. I ran toward the left, to the huge window. It was raining outside, and there was a little boy out on the sidewalk. His mother was just pulling up in her car to pick him up. I started pounding on the window, yelling and screaming, but either they couldn’t hear or they ignored me. I felt desperate… There was no place at all to go, because the doorway from which I’d come was, for some reason, suddenly blocked by people…There were all these people, and the guy, and no place to go… I haven’t had a meaningful dream for years, so I usually don't spend too much time pondering my dreams anymore. But as I began writing about this, I froze as I was struck by the thought that my reaction in the dream was what I couldn’t do when I had that awful experience in high school. The one that started everything...the one that changed everything for me. What did he say? (Sorry to those who read this…I have a tendency to just use pronouns when I write in my books, so there isn’t a name. But it was a friend.) He said that it was the first time in my life that someone was wanting things that I seriously did not want to do. And I was torn between what I had done my whole life--pleasing everyone regardless of my own thoughts, feelings, opinions, desires--and my own strong feelings against the whole situation. I DID NOT WANT THAT. But it happened anyway, because I physically COULD NOT DO ANYTHING. But in my dream, I got angry, I got defensive, I got aggressive (even hostile…ha…). I pushed back, I yelled, and I shoved him out of my face. (Interesting…complete opposites: from being physically unable to defend myself against some scrawny creep to unexpectedly throwing around a huge hulky guy.) Hm.
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Post by blue rhapsody on Nov 12, 2005 2:58:24 GMT -5
...Of course, the ultimately being trapped part is somewhat disconcerting.
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Post by blue rhapsody on Nov 16, 2005 0:00:33 GMT -5
Tonight, I feel like crying without having a reason. I'm not really sad...it's something on a deeper level, some THING that needs to get out of me. It's something I don't have a name for, something I can't describe in words. I'm not sure if it will eventually, finally, be released, or if it will hide there forever.
Tonight, I wish I could express the deepest things that I feel. I wish I had a way to make the people who changed my life really understand the weight of that...
And tonight, I ponder the things I haven't done, and wonder if I should. I'm not sure whether I would regret it or not. Once the convictions are gone, does it make a difference? After all, what gives something meaning? Does something inherently have it, or is it totally a matter of perception/perspective? Hm.
I'm going to go to bed, staring into the darkness, listening to the quiet, thinking about this, until it all blends into my unconsciousness...
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Post by blue rhapsody on Nov 24, 2005 3:24:18 GMT -5
There is so much in my head right now that I don't even know where to start. Everything's in a gigantic jumble, and I can't seem to untangle it. I'm just going to start writing and let everything work itself out in some form...
Tonight at work, I started thinking about how I used to think about everything...and how I consequently approached everything. I can't help wondering if I've become selfish, or if I've merely acknowledged that I exist. I wonder if it's important to be aware of yourself--and take care of yourself, so to speak. I remembered that feeling...the way it felt to swallow everything and do what everyone else wanted. The way it felt to cast aside everything that I felt, thought, and wanted in order to fulfill the demands of everyone else. And the expectations of everyone else. And to be there, to be strong. To keep from bothering everybody else with my own stuff...my own problems...which, obviously, no one knew existed...
Infinite patience, forever casting aside even your smallest desires, squashing every feeling. Being beaten again and again and again, only to stand up each time and continue. Would there be some reward at the end? (...What in the hell would the “end” be, anyway?) Would the reward for this unwavering diligence and humble acceptance simply be the satisfaction of knowing that you were diligent and devoted, and that you did what practically no one else would bother--or even want to bother--to do? Or, would it all be for nothing? Would it, in reality, only be an exercise in self-sacrifice, self-deprivation…self-imposed suffering?
Is it important to fight for what you want? Is it important to know what you want and fight to acquire it? Is it okay to feel? Or should you bury your own opinions, feelings, and desires and be there for everyone else, doing what everyone else wants, fulfilling everyone else’s expectations and demands?
In wanting to go back to college and do it for me, making it a part of myself, am I being selfish? Or is it the only way that I can really accomplish something worthwhile and meaningful? After everything that's happened, and after having time to reflect, I think so... Because I see now that ultimately, it meant that I let everyone else define who I was. I wasn't being "me." I was only being what I let them create. Finally, I'm letting myself be myself...and I don't feel confused and lost.
This is connected to other things...
Of all the things that happened, do you know what the biggest failure was? Actually, it's the only thing that felt like a true failure...everything else was disappointing at first, but then I became numb to it all. Anyway, the true failure was being unable to help my closest friends... the friend I grew up with and experienced everything with; and the friend who grew up faster, the one who shared everything with me, the one who trusted me more than anyone else. I knew so much about both of them, I cared about them so much, and I couldn't help them when they needed someone the most. I couldn't help them because I was lost and broken...we were all lost and broken, and I couldn't help them. I couldn't help them...
THAT IS FAILURE.
I hate it...I don't want it. When I admitted that I was terrified I wouldn't be able to help anybody anymore, someone told me to take care of myself. "Fix yourself," he said, "and everything else will fall into place." When he looked in my eyes and told me this... It was one of the most sincere, genuine things anyone has ever told me, and I didn't even know him.
And, to conclude this disjointed wreck: most of all, I want to be there. (In a very small, defeated voice) Damn…I want to be there… I want to be there. And this time...I want to be able to help.
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Post by blue rhapsody on Dec 4, 2005 23:12:30 GMT -5
Tonight, I am thinking about this (among other things):
Last spring, I went to watch my friends graduate from college without me. Something the speaker said stuck in my mind... Essentially, she was telling the members of the graduating class to follow their passions and do what they're driven to do. Staring down at them from the podium, she said this was "more important than doing what your parents want, or what others expect." ...
...more important than doing what your parents want, or what others expect...
If only someone had told me this once. If only someone had told me it's okay to be yourself...
I have realized that, buried underneath, there were a lot of things I desperately wished...
I wished someone would tell me it's okay to cry. I wished someone would tell me it wasn't my fault. I wished that someone would just hug me and tell me it was okay... Sometimes, I wished that someone would notice, or that someone would know. But there was nobody. Things just were the way they were.
Sometimes, now, I wonder if I was really alone...or if I made myself that way.
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Post by blue rhapsody on Dec 9, 2005 2:57:59 GMT -5
It’s ironic that I find the best advice for myself when I am forced to advise someone else with similar problems or issues. Today, my cousin called me, lamenting over what to do with her life, asking me for advice. After listening for a long time, I found myself telling her, “At least you’re not stuck.” (Which is ironic, because that’s exactly how she often describes her feelings about this point in her life.) I had never thought about it before, but as I said it, I felt this idea growing, spreading out like a pool of water. Since she often compares herself to her former classmates, I asked her what earth-changing achievements any of them has made. Think about it, I said. Regardless of what they did in school or whatever they did or didn’t do, most of them either got pregnant or got someone pregnant, and now they’re “settled down,” going about their day-to-day lives. They’re working at sluff jobs, living from day to day…monotonous day-to-day working and living. They’re stuck because they’ve fallen into something; they no longer think about doing other things (perhaps because they first felt that they would no longer be able to do other things). They don’t think about other opportunities. They’ve forgotten that they could do other things--study new things, become involved in something new, volunteer, create or build, anything. And she, on the other hand, is not stuck just for the simple reason that she is constantly thinking about what she wants to do. She's always thinking about the different directions she could go, different places she could be. I told her to be grateful because there are all these opportunities--opportunities that exist merely because they’re things she wants.
I thought, You’re not stuck until you’ve forgotten there are other things to do…and in the midst of this revelation, I felt myself becoming increasingly elated; after all, I realized, it’s relevant to me as well. I felt grateful. I felt freed from this silly illusion of being stuck, this miry rut I’d seemed to be in for so long. I found myself saying that it’s the same for me; even though things didn’t go as I originally planned and things seemed to come to a halt, they really didn’t. It was only my “original plan” that halted; not me, not my opportunities, not my life. Actually, I’m at a more open and flexible place than I ever have been. I’m no longer caught on what seemed to be an inescapable one-way track, fulfilling what everyone had expected me to do since I was a child--perhaps, in some ways, even since I was born.
From where I’m standing, there are a wealth of possibilities, and I’m free to go whichever direction I want. I’m free to choose, free to explore, free to discover. Free to do what drives me and what calls me. I’m free to do what I want. I’m no longer burdened by the pressure to perform to any standards. I’m not pressured by legacy, by others’ expectations. I’m no longer inhibited by the old self-impositions, the old “rules.” It’s just me…me. It’s strange but nice to say it. Me. It feels completely different than it would have one year ago. One year ago, I would not have said, “Me.” But after having everything turn upside down, after failing out of school, and after losing all of my confidence in the things that I loved, I feel that I really, really have to do things for my own reasons. I have to do what is meaningful to me…or, obviously, what I’m doing won’t be relevant. And I have to be confident enough in order to accomplish that. I can’t let myself be pushed around. I know that I have to be strong in order to finish college and to achieve what I want.
Reflecting, just now, I am in awe of everything that has happened since everything seemed to irreparably fall apart. Coming home felt like utter failure. Ultimate regression. But if I hadn’t, I would have been indefinitely stuck in the “plan” I had resigned myself to. Would I have stopped and questioned it? And even if I had, would I have ever had the guts to stand up against it? I guess that growth and understanding come from being challenged. And if none of this had happened, everything would still be the way it was before…
And if I hadn’t come back, I would have never met the person who saw through the ridiculous façade enough that I could be myself--the “me” I had repressed. I wouldn't have met the person who allowed me to be so honest--not just with him, but with myself...I realized things and admitted things I'd never admitted to myself. I would have never met this friend who means so much to me. I wouldn’t have met the people who could see the things I’d buried or forgotten…or the things that no one has ever seen before. I wouldn’t have met the people who cared enough to listen…people who said things no one has ever said to me before. I would have never known these people whom I respect and care about so much.
One last thing I was thinking about... When I go back and read things I wrote before my first post on here, it all seems…removed, somehow. It was definitely my writing, my experiences. It was me...but I’ve definitely moved on. It’s old, from another time, another place, another point in my life; another “understanding,” so to speak. I’m not filled with the anguish and confusion of the words. It’s like looking back at old photographs or something.
Anyway, before I go to bed, I just want to say thank you to the people who changed my life. Thank you for being there, thank you for caring...but most of all, thank you for being you. It probably sounds lame and cliche, but it's true, and I mean it sincerely.
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Post by blue rhapsody on Dec 15, 2005 1:03:00 GMT -5
Wow...I don't think I've ever felt so stupid. Or so awful. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for this...I can't even think about it yet. I can't even talk about it right now...but it's bothering me nonetheless. So I write anyway. Everything's running around my head, and I'm wondering, what in the HELL am I going to do? What can I say? What SHOULD I do?? I hate hurting people. I hate this.
And everything hurts right now. I feel so sore that I don't know if I'll make it to my bed...but I think that's what I'll do: go to bed. Even if I can't sleep, it won't make any sense to stay up. If I do, I'll be staring blankly into space, feeling dismayed. I'm thinking about things I used to do, too..."punishing" myself... I could smoke some cigarettes right now, but...no. No smokes. I don't really want to smoke. And it makes me sick. I just want something ELSE. Anything. I wish I could retract what happened over the weekend. GAH.
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Pixie
Starbound Butterfly
faith and trust and pixie dust
Posts: 335
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Post by Pixie on Dec 15, 2005 1:27:00 GMT -5
well I am here if you need a shoulder honey*hugs*
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Post by blue rhapsody on Dec 17, 2005 1:53:34 GMT -5
Thank you, Hachi... *hugs*
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Pixie
Starbound Butterfly
faith and trust and pixie dust
Posts: 335
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Post by Pixie on Dec 17, 2005 3:09:06 GMT -5
*smiles and hugs*you are most welcome
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Post by blue rhapsody on Dec 22, 2005 12:34:24 GMT -5
~She realizes she is staring into space and looks back at the blank paper in front of her, trying to focus. She pauses, not knowing what to say. Finally, she presses her pen against the paper and just lets the words stumble out...~
The only thing that confuses me now is...gah. I do these things I never used to do. I don't have regrets, exactly. Actually, I'm not sure I feel anything in particular, and that in itself is what bothers me. This small vestige of the person I was a long time ago--before everything that has happened since the end of high school--is always hiding in the recesses of my conscience. And when things like this happen--for instance, when I come home early in the morning after drinking all night, having had a good time, having spent all of my money--this tiny voice asks me what I'm doing...what do I think I'm doing. As I'm driving home, I think about what happened the night before, and this voice asks me why I'm not appalled or disappointed with myself. Because I'm not. When I search myself, I realize I don't really feel regret. I don't feel ANYTHING. But the fact that there's always that voice whispering in the back of my head is disconcerting. It's always there to voice the things I used to feel; but I don't feel those things anymore...and this makes me question myself. Am I just apathetic and pathetic?
I have a headache.
~Reading what she's just written, she frowns, rubs her forehead, and sighs. She closes her notebook and sits pondering for awhile before heading off to start her day...~
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Pixie
Starbound Butterfly
faith and trust and pixie dust
Posts: 335
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Post by Pixie on Dec 22, 2005 18:38:19 GMT -5
no-you are a human being that is slowly re-evaluating her life and changing slowly into the new person you are becoming because of a growth process-you will be fine and we will be here for you to help you grow and to celebrate the new person you are becoming*hugs*
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Post by blue rhapsody on Dec 29, 2005 4:37:37 GMT -5
~Yawning, she wanders in in her pajamas to write down a few thoughts that are drifting around in her head~
I feel comfy right now. I have nothing philosophical or deep; I just wanted to remember this: Tonight, at the bar, Russ introduced me to a friend of his by referring to me as "an old friend" and by saying I was "cool as fuck." ...Really?? Wow. I didn't know he thought enough of me to say something like that. Hm.
Gah. It's frustrating that right when I've caught up with all these people, and when I've met all these new people, and I finally feel confident/comfortable enough to be around them, I have to leave. I have to leave and go back to something I'm not so sure I'm up for...But I really, REALLY want to finish this and get on with things. And, beyond that, I guess I do want to do well. I want to accomplish something, even if it's only gaining the confidence to do the things I need to do. So...ha.
~She closes her eyes and reflects for a moment before closing her notebook and heading back to bed, still yawning...~
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Post by blue rhapsody on Jan 1, 2006 17:53:48 GMT -5
I feel…I don’t know. The last eighteen hours were so strange… It was one of those times when you don’t realize what’s happening. There’s no premeditation, no pondering, no weighing of consequences, no consideration whatsoever; what happens happens. And then you realize that the whole night is over and the whole day is practically over, and everything that was going on is over, and you’re just lying there, disregarding the responsibilities and details of your life, and hazily thinking that later you’ll ask yourself what you’ve just done.
I didn’t want to give myself the chance to regret it and feel punched in the stomach, so I ignored those things. I ignored the fact that I had a family here, that I had missed church, that my friends might be wondering what I’d done and where I’d gone, that I had no solid excuse for having been missing for so long, that I had to finish packing today so that I could leave early tomorrow.
And driving home, I didn’t know if I regretted it. The funny thing is that it was both what I expected and not. Despite the protestations of that old annoying little inner voice, I knew it wouldn’t be a big deal. However, I think I was a little surprised by how nonchalant I actually felt about it. And that leaves me wondering what has actually happened, and the significance of it.
Part of me could just brush it aside and try to forget the details that could make this annoying and complicated--details that could end up making me feel like a disgusting and horribly mean, misleading person.
Part of me wants to crash the way I did after that incident in high school…I could withdraw into myself and be numb and unfeeling, blankly staring at my paper wondering what happened and what I’m feeling. I could not eat for weeks, months. I could disappear again, cease to exist in all of this while the world goes rushing on around me unnoticed.
Part of me could crawl into my bed and give up and cry…cry quietly in the solitary darkness, wishing that if I fell asleep I would never wake up.
And part of me is really scared--really, really really, really scared that I was that stupid. Honestly, I don't think I've ever been this scared about anything--ever.
But if I don't rest now, I'll fall over. Then I have to pack.
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Pixie
Starbound Butterfly
faith and trust and pixie dust
Posts: 335
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Post by Pixie on Jan 1, 2006 19:14:54 GMT -5
honey I have no answers at all for you-but I am here for you if you ever need someone to vent to or to cry to*hugs tightly and slips away*
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Post by blue rhapsody on Jan 5, 2006 18:16:23 GMT -5
I suppose that I do overreact. I suppose that I'm dramatic and ridiculous, and that I come across that way when I'm really worried about something and thinking that I've done something horrible... But I can't help it. This is how I feel. And I feel horrible right now. I feel sick...I want to crawl into bed and stay there indefinitely...or hide in my closet in the dark...or just cry, damn it... I know, I say these things all the time, but it's how I really feel. I wish I were home...I wish this wasn't happening...
I'm trying really hard to focus on the other things, to make myself do this even though it sucks. I have this incredible urge to run away...but I'm not sure I can let myself let other people down. I should just shut up now. Gah...
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