Thoughts... (blue rhapsody's book)

[Pixie]

honey you are no more overdramatic than I am-and do not let others tell you that you should not feel what you are feeling-I will listen to you vent day and night if you need me too-after all there are many people here that have done the same for me-our fearless leader to name one-my understanding is that is why these boards are here-for us to have a safe place to vent and cry if need be and not be judged*hugs tightly* just remember I am here and you are not alone-try to focus on just one thing at a time and we will make sure you get through this

[blue rhapsody]

Here I am, back at college, with one year left…
It’s nothing like I thought it would be. It’s funny that when I was last here--June, visiting for graduation--being here made me feel awkward. I felt like an outsider. My perceptions of this place, and how I felt being here, were still strongly impacted by everything that happened right before I left. I still made judgments, so to speak, about how people perceived me; I assumed that they would only see what I had come to see myself as at the time that I left--miserable, inadequate, a failure.

But now, I feel completely different. I never once stopped to think about whether or not I was “ready” to come back (I DESPISE that idea, actually…people keep asking me if, after all that time away, I was finally “READY” to come back. Gah…) All I knew was that this was something I had to do. It was hard to leave home, because I had finally reached a point where I was confident and comfortable and had met people and made friends. I finally had a life beyond my house… and then I left, all of a sudden. I hadn’t even really mentally prepared myself. I knew I had to leave, but it didn’t exactly register; and then, all of a sudden, I had to pack--something, anything--and leave. I didn’t even have time to clean everything up before I left, and usually I have to make sure everything is tidy, organized, and orderly. I almost forgot to grab the booze I had stashed in my room--HA. I left my brother’s beer glasses in my closet, and I threw my last bottle of Hard Mike’s in my bag just as I was leaving. I enjoyed it in my motel room on the way here, knowing it would be the last in a very long time. *SIGH* It isn’t just the booze, obviously…It’s everything about home, everything that has become a part of how things were/are…everything about myself…everything I’ve gained, how I’ve grown, what I’ve learned. How I’ve changed. Everyone I know. Everything.

--But the comforting thing was this: on my walk back to my dorm the other morning, I realized that nothing feels the way it did before. I think it’s because, for the first time in a very long time, I’m not questioning myself about myself. I’m just me… That’s how I feel about myself. It’s unbelievable how much of a difference that makes--knowing yourself. Nothing about this place is intimidating, and I know that nothing that was intimidating before will be this time. This is just a place…and I’m here in it. The person here who knows me better than anyone else here told me I’ve changed visibly. She said I seem confident and sure of myself; and that I “won’t take crap from anybody.” Hm… I know she was surprised when she saw me; and even though I don’t talk about those things, she probably assumes I’ve done all manner of things this institution would disapprove of. And I have. ( ) But it doesn’t matter to me… It’s just strange to see how incredibly innocent she is, whether she thinks so or not. Hm. A friend from home once said that once you’ve done certain things, it’s much more obvious who’s done what. I agree…

I’m sitting at my computer, blatantly ignoring the homework piled up on my desk. Even so, this procrastination feels completely different. I don’t really know how to explain it. Everything I’ve written probably sounds stupid. But I don’t know how to express this in words. All I can say is that everything feels different. And the most incredible thing happened…

Last week, I had my first carillon lesson in a year and a half. I wasn’t overcome with the sense of dread that I used to think I would feel. Instead, I was excited to see my teacher, and to tell him what I’ve been doing. I was astonished to hear him once again say that I possess a "great musical intuition"…(what does he see that I cannot?) I was astonished to hear him tell me that I was “at a very nice level” when I left, and that he still wants me to audition to become a Guild member. This I was not expecting. Before I left, all he assigned were a few simpler pieces from my portfolio, asking me to review them for the next lesson.

I will admit that I had to wait a couple of days…that was something that I actually was nervous about. Here was this instrument for which I had supposedly had great “potential” when I first began playing it, but I had disappointed everyone by failing to deliver. After waiting a couple of days, I finally sucked it up and took my key down to the practice room. I slid open the file cabinet and pulled out my portfolio. I slipped on my shoes. I adjusted the bench. I sat down, and slowly pulled out a few sheets of music and slipped them behind the wire on the ledge…

I hadn’t played for a year and a half. My pinkies had finally straightened out (I thought they would be deformed for life), and my calluses had gone away. I thought I would have lost all of my form and coordination, that I would be miserably out of practice. But, somehow, I just played. It was like I hadn’t left at all. It was scary. The pieces I was supposed to practice were incredibly boring, and I couldn’t help doing something that my teacher would have frowned upon (heh…): I pulled out the pieces I was playing a year and a half ago, even the complex Preludium I was working on, and played them. Anyway, when I picked piano back up a while ago, I was surprised by how natural it felt, even after all the time I’d turned away from it. That experience was not even comparable to playing carillon again. I’ve never experienced anything like that at all…I got goosebumps as I was sitting there. I was overcome with this feeling of “this is my instrument,” just like one of my professors was the first time he ever played organ. It was extraordinary.

I’m still sitting here, my homework is still sitting there, but I’m going to go to bed. …Because I’m a college student and I have to get up really early and go to dance class. Ha.

I’m going to ponder the nice things that have happened, the comfortable things, the exciting things, the new things…even the weird and crazy stuff. A lot of stuff has happened recently. I’m going to think about the people I love and care about, and the people I miss…aw. Hugs to everyone, because I feel comfy and mushy and girly right now.

~Goodnight~

[Razorblade Butterfly]

Wow Lis.. I'm so proud of you.
I'm sorry.. that probably sounds so corny but..
you have no idea... ~hugs~

[blue rhapsody]

~She pauses, rereading everything, lingering over the last post for a moment.~

~hugs~

Thank you...for everything.
Thank you for encouraging me and for believing in me when I wasn't sure of myself... Thank you for helping me be myself. I wouldn't be here otherwise. I wish I had a way to express how much it all means to me...
(That probably sounds corny, but I really mean it.) ...

[blue rhapsody]

Nooooo....this can't be happening. It isn't allowed...

I feel...??
The longer I am here, the more it feels like everything else was a dream.

And there's nobody to talk to. Nobody. There is no one here, and no one to call. Right now, I feel detached and alone, and as though I'm just sitting here, where I always have been...
sitting
sitting
sitting
sitting.

Frozen.

I miss everybody from home. I don't remember ever feeling like this before. When I first came to college, I missed Sam and Joe, but it wasn't like this.
I know it's just a year, but it's a whole year. Everything will change, and I hate that. Everything at home will go on without me...while I am here, doing this only to be done.
Everything's fading, and I'm getting eaten by everything I have to do.

I miss having someone to talk to.
I miss having people to visit.
I miss being around people I connect with.
I miss being able to talk about things...here, I can't talk about anything real.
I miss being around people who understand, people who just know, people for whom you don't need to explain anything...things just are the way they are.
I miss my brother.
I miss the music and the hanging out.
I miss being able to spend the whole night thinking.
I miss the blatancy of the real world. Here, everything is glossed over and sugar-coated.
I miss being able to come home at three in the morning...or eleven the next day.
I miss having someone to hug or kiss.

I talked to Josh last night, and it felt like I was in a bubble. It was so nice to talk to someone, though--even if he was at work and couldn't talk long. Even if he knows that I know a friend of his...even if he eventually finds out what happened with this friend of his. Today, I told one of my best girl friends from home about it, and I'm not sure I meant for that to happen. Everyone will know now...which makes it feel strange, less significant. But it doesn't matter, because it's too late now.

The air from my ceiling fan is suddenly cold, and I'm shivering here, alone in my room.

I'm going to go take a shower. And then I might lock myself in the downstairs study room and work on my homework all night, listening to my music, blocking everything out around me. Or I might go to bed, where I can smell the traces of perfume on my sheets and hug my pillow and stare into the darkness...

[PandieCandii]

You may want to be careful what you wish for, my friend.

*grins secretively*

For if you don't start wishing for something else instead of someone to talk to, your regular stalker...

*bats eyelashes*

Will be back online as of Saturday Feb. 4th. Then your next entry will be

"I wish she would go away!!!"

*winks*

Seriously, though. You've still got my number right? You know you can call it whenever you wish to.

[Razorblade Butterfly]

Hey now.. no thinking like that. No one's gonna change.. especially your real friends. I wont be any different next time you see me.. nor Margie and anybody else.

I'm talking to some friends on myspace that i lost touch with and its been three years. Its funny cause they are exactly the same.. just as cool as they always were.

Dont worry Lisa ~hugs~

[blue rhapsody]

Hm.

I couldn't help it. I got pissed at myself today. I got pissed because I got an F on a paper...I got pissed because my zoology test was WAY harder than I thought it would be...I got pissed because there are still things I don't understand as far as other people's actions...

Mostly, I was pissed that I was pissed. I was pissed that I couldn't stand to be sitting at the piano because all I could hear was the echo of last week's words: "fighting your personality..." blah blah blah. I know. And as I sat in the practice room this afternoon, I thought, wow, no wonder I could play what I used to play better than anything else. It expressed everything I was feeling then, the things I felt for so long. It was intensely dramatic and sad and full of surging anguish. But now...now, the other stuff has to be there too. I have to be multi-faceted, not flat. I don't even care that this probably makes no sense at all. But I have to get past this...I have to ignore the things that try to distract me and the things that try to make me doubt myself. I have to let go and open up enough that I can express other things, too...I have to let go of my obsession with what used to be the most powerful to me and open up to new stuff...I have to shut the fuck up and just let things be.

You know, earlier, I was pissed that all I wanted was to talk to someone, even though I know that won't make me feel any better.

But anyway, these things aren't really that important. What was most disheartening was realizing that what really bothers me the most is the prospect that things will always be this ironic. And part of me thinks they always will be this ironic.

Heh.

[Pixie]

that would be life.....one giant lesson in Irony-but that is also why we can have friends to love us and support us-know that I am here for you if you ever need to vent-I do my best not to judge anyone else as I know I am far from perfect*hugs tightly*

[blue rhapsody]

Um...I feel like I could sleep right here at my desk. Heh. Too bad I still have to write a paper and complete a lab and practice.

And this is going to be the weekend from hell.

I just want to sleep... But I can't. I have to stay up, even if it's all night...I have to get up early and go to class tomorrow with all of my work done. I have to take care of a slew of annoying little details, and I have to remember all of the surprise appointments that came up today. I have to shove aside all the stuff I'm thinking about and do my homework--no matter what it takes-- for three and a half more weeks. Three and a half more weeks, and then I'll have a break...just three and a half weeks...mmf.

[blue rhapsody]

I am so incredibly pissed right now. I cannot believe that I was forced--forced--to fill out an extensive survey in order to graduate. This survey covered everything from "how would you rate the library resources at your college?" to "how often have you drank in the last year?" to "do you think that a married woman's role is in the household?" to "have you grown morally during your time at college?" It was bullshit... It was sick. I am so unbelievably unimpressed and furious that I can't even think of anything more intellectual to say about it. With my name and social security number on it...I don't even fucking care what they think. I don't care if administrators from this institution actually read and take note of my specific answers. If I had not made a promise to finish this--if I had no other reason to be here--I would have refused to fill it out. I would have handed it back to my RC and walked back out the door, without giving a damn about the consequences...

Although, I think that what bothered me the most was not the survey itself; rather, it was the fact that the other girls walked in with their pens, sat down, and obediently filled out their surveys like prissy, proper, pious little students--"model" students. Not everyone was pleased with the range of questions asked, but not one--not one--questioned the implications of this as a requirement or questioned their right to NOT fill it out.

I suppose I should channel all of this surging fury toward my homework...then, perhaps, I would be able to accomplish everything I need to finish in the next seven hours before I have to go to class. Just one more day, one more...and then I'll be able to go get my early birthday present! That's the light at the end of this little tunnel. Get through this icky darkness, get through the next couple of days and the accompanying obligations, and then I will be able to breathe again.

[blue rhapsody]

It's so nice that things keep going. *Huge sigh of relief* In high school, the idea that I might not get something done on time, or that I might not meet someone's expectations--that I might disappoint someone--made me feel like everything was spiralling out of control and would eventually come crashing to a momentous halt. It's just nice to know now that schoolwork doesn't keep the world turning. Heh. It's okay to do what you need to do in order to keep from going insane... The trick, apparently, is to be very honest and informative as to how things are going, so that your teachers actually know. The better part? They're human, too...so they usually understand and respond reasonably. So, if you have a hellish weekend--say, two papers, a huge project/paper, a presentation, reading, class journals, practicing, and end up having to play piano for church, in addition to working all weekend--it's okay to do what you can and be honest about the rest. Heh.

As I left theory class today, I realized that unlike the last time I was here, I actually feel like part of the class. I don't feel like the musical schmuck. I may not be dazzling everyone with spectacular mathematical and analytical abilities, but I'm not the musical schmuck, either; and that's how I spent most of my previous time here feeling. It's nice to feel...real.

I feel happy right now. A lot of little things made me happy today:

-dance class (there are these incredible moments when you're in the music and the movements are co-existing with it...there's this incredible harmony, and you just feel it)
-the light shining through tree branches and streaming in through the huge windows of the studio
-My philosophy teacher finally knows my name! We met each other earlier and he said hi to me... So he doesn't hate my guts after all...lol...
-The other night, I talked to the first person who ever kissed me...and I discovered that despite the faults, all of the amazing things I appreciated about this person before are still just as amazing to me. I just hadn't thought about it for a long, long time.
-Ashley called me.
-People are so sweet and wonderful (Yes, that includes you, whether you think so or not...)

Time for homework...and work...and more homework...hopefully more than two hours of sleep tonight...

~Reflecting, she smiles softly to herself before closing her notebook...and then opens it again to write a quick post-note before leaving~

And tonight, I get to show Steve my "early birthday present" For some reason, I think I am far more excited than I should be... *laughs* heh. But he is just too awesome
And if I see Sean and Isaiah over break, I'll show them too

[Pixie]

I am glad things are working out*hugs shyly and slips back to her darkness*

[blue rhapsody]

Right now, I feel really...sad.

~She folds her arms up on her desk and rests her head.~

[Razorblade Butterfly]

Well you're about to go see your best buddy huh? That should help right? *grins*

[blue rhapsody]

~Lost in mental oblivion, she vaguely becomes aware of the clock ticking in the background. She feels her senses slowly open up as if a numbness is thawing, and she realizes that she is motionless, staring blankly ahead. Looking down, she finds her hands resting on top of her notebook. Virtually depressed into a stupor, she can hardly bring herself to open it; yet, a small part of her aches with the words she can't bring herself to say. Unconsciously chewing the inside of her lower lip, she stares at the dusty cover. Then, sighing quietly, she slides her fingertips under the cover and opens it up...~

I don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't felt so depressed for a really long time. It's an unbearable mental pressure, giving me a physical headache. And I feel sick, sick, sick. I haven't felt this kind of sick since... *shudders* I don't want this. I don't. But it's...ew. Ew. It's like something I don't want to see, I don't want to touch, it makes my skin crawl, it makes me feel sick and makes me want to violently throw it away from myself. But I can't get rid of it, because it already happened. This time it really was my fault. I did this. I did this. I don't understand what's going on. I'm ruining myself. I want to disappear, to dissolve quietly, unnoticed; unnoticed as I am now, drowning in something I can't explain, something I don't want...something no one else can see because no one else is here. I just...I don't want this again. Maybe I didn't really get rid of it. Maybe everything that happened during the last year was just a dream...

Maybe, maybe if I could cry, it would relieve the pressure... Part of me is hopeful that if I ever do, it will be this momentous event that dissolves everything and brings clarity. But I know it wouldn't be like that, wouldn't be magic...it would just be tears, stupid, it would mean nothing, it wouldn't change anything. When did I become like this? What do people see in me? Do they see the things I buried, or the things that seemed to surface during the last year? Do they see the things I cannot see, or do they merely see what I project through my flawed and disgusting actions?

I have a headache. I feel sick. I want to cry. There is nothing. I will just go to bed. But it won't be long enough.

~Her eyes linger over one phrase as she slowly closes the notebook: Maybe everything that happened during the last year was just a dream...~

[Pixie]

I'm here if you need me honey*hugs shyly*