A journal all of my own..

[Barbed Wire Butterfly]

[glow=red,2,300]Name: Tammie Irene Angela Baker
Birthday: July 3rd, 1987
Birthplace: Quincy, IL
Current Location: Lincoln, IL
Eye Color: Brown almost black
Hair Color: Naturally, a dark auburn
Height: 5'7"
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right Handed
Your Heritage: I would like to say
The Shoes You Wore Today: Flip-Flops
Your Weakness: Peaches, and my daughter. ^-^
Your Fears: Another Heartache, Heights.
Your Perfect Pizza: Sausage w/ mushrooms.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Clean out my closet
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: Meep... / Meh...
Thoughts First Waking Up: does the sun have to be that bright??
Your Best Physical Feature: My um...Hair?
Your Bedtime: Whenever Alexa is sleeping...
Your Most Missed Memory: Memories around 13
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi
MacDonalds or Burger King: BK
Single or Group Dates: Singles.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Neither, both are nasty.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Choc.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Cappuccino
Do you Smoke: No.
Do you Swear: Yes. When I'm mad.
Do you Sing: Yep, against everyone's warnings.
Do you Shower Daily: Yep, unless I take a bath. ^-^
Have you Been in Love: I can honestly say, for the past 6 years....
Do you want to go to College: Yes.
Do you want to get Married: If a man could tolerate me long enough....
Do you belive in yourself: Depends on what I'm doing...
Do you get Motion Sickness: No
Do you think you are Attractive: Only when I'm sleeping.
Are you a Health Freak: Nope.
Do you get along with your Parents: Only my dad.
Do you like Thunderstorms: They uh...excite me.
Do you play an Instrument: Yes, the clarinet.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: NO
In the past month have you Smoked: NO
In the past month have you been on Drugs: Does an Epideral count?
In the past month have you gone on a Date: no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: no
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: Not a box, but a package. Yes. Double stuffed.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Nope.
In the past month have you been on Stage: Never!
In the past month have you been Dumped: Nope, would have to be with someone first...
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: Yeah, how about NOT.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Nope.
Ever been Drunk: Nope.
Ever been called a Tease: Yes, come on..I'm TAMMIE. HEHE.
Ever been Beaten up: Of course, I have a big mouth.
Ever Shoplifted: Yea.
How do you want to Die: In my sleep.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: A Nursing Practitioner.
What country would you most like to Visit:
~In a Boy/Girl..~
Favourite Eye Color: Green
Favourite Hair Color: Dark
Short or Long Hair: Medium
Height: Doesn't matter.
Weight: If it's less then me, I don't want to know...
Best Clothing Style: Boxers. Only.
Number of Drugs I have taken: Drugs or meds? Never done drugs.
Number of CDs I own:4. most my music is on the comp.
Number of Piercings: My earlobes, and cartiledge. so. 2?
Number of Tattoos:None, yet.
Number of things in my Past I Regret: One, I wish I had told my mom what was going on alot sooner...[/glow]

[Barbed Wire Butterfly]

[glow=red,2,300]Testing.. one two...

Alot of people don't know some things about me. Some things I hold deep inside of me.

When I was 16 I had friends that were 3 years younger or more.

when I go to the mall I stare at guys to see if they think I want them..(it's funny really..)

I've played video games since I was about 8.

I still love to color in coloring books. With crayons.

I like picnics in the park, and hoolahoopin.

I like to stand in the shower with my head down and watch how the water falls.

I like to sit at the park and stare at the way the lights reflected off of the frozen fountain.

I like to jump rope.

I love to sing, whether or not anyone likes me too.

I liked getting flowers just because it's thursday. Or just because it rained.

I love the rain...it excites me.

I have tendencies to fall asleep with the light on.

I have an uncanny need for knowing everyone I see...[/glow]

[Barbed Wire Butterfly]

[glow=red,2,300]You know.. I've come to one deadly conclusion.
I'm attracted to the completely wrong ones.

It's not that they aren't good. It's just that they tend to have the wrong attitudes. We fight. Not saying making up isn't cool.. but fighting drains everything.

For instance a few "types" I've seemed to have glomped on are as follows:

1. A pathological Liar- one lie leading to another. About who they are, what their name is, where they are from. Everything. They hide behind someone else's identity or a made up one because theirs to them isn't acceptable. Hiding parts of them, or all of them isn't what I'm after. I've realized this and set out for another bad one...

2. Attention Seeker- This one..normally has a girl. But loves the attention of more. He keeps so many of the opposite sex around that they are infact infatuated with him. Because he would otherwise be the ideal guy. Save for the fact that he likes to keep as many "friends" as he does pairs of underwear. and to each and everyone of his friends he tends to tell them that they are special in some form or another. When someone or something comes up, one can be pushed to the back shelf in order for things to go as planned.. Not cool Also someone I've left behind...

3. Timekeeper- this one, despite what he likes or dislike, tries his best to keep up with on times. Whether you are there or not. He does not care. He has to do everything and have everyone that's up-to-date. It irritates me... They will turn you down, or stand you up just for a chance at something new to fit in.


Thank goodness the guy I'm chasing now.. and continue to chase as I've had my bad turns. Is nothing like any of these. He's not perfect..but he's certainly never ignoring me. [/glow]

[Barbed Wire Butterfly]

[glow=red,2,300]*Pokes Pen and talks to it* Is this thing on?

Have you ever woke up and not known what day it was or what you did the night before?

I have.

Have you ever said something the wrong way and it make someone feel good when you meant the opposite?

I have

Have you ever had "Experiments"

I have.

I get made fun of by some of my friends for being bisexual. Why? How does this MAKE me such a bad person? I don't hit on friends. I don't make moves on them. I have FEELINGS. I'm not just something that's out there waiting to be touched upon. NO.

So what if I don't mind a females company. I don't really know the reason. It's just the way I am. And everyone around me seems to hate it.

This all happened when my friend moved away. She was close to me. And when we were a little tipsy and feeling good...it was something. You know? To enjoy someones company...To have someone to talk to ..and love you back. Yeah.. but I lost that..she moved. I wasn't heartbroken until people started rubbing relationships in my face. Because I knew in my heart wherever she was what we had was special.

When I got pregnant. She reminded me everyday what a wonderful person I am... and now all I hear is that " Your going to fail..you're going to fall on your face...you won't be a good mom.."

What is this?!

WHY!? ...I suppose I'll never exactly know why...I just think people are...

..the word would be.....

.....Prude.[/glow]

[Hallie]

No matter what you think, and no matter what anyone else says, I believe you will be a great mom. You seem to have the heart for it from what I've sen of your ravings about her in chat and your other mentions of her. No one can judge you truthfully save yourself. What you think is the only thing that should matter, and if you love that baby enough, and try hard enough, things will work out just fine. Just remember never be too afraid to ask for help if you really need it. There are people out there who will do all they can for you. I know, I was blessed to find a few I could lean on, too.

As for you being bisexual, don't let that stand in your way, either. If people are that judgmental, then they don't need to be graced with your superiority. Your sexual preference should not label how you live your life or be a scale on how people view and rate you. You're a beautiful person inside, and everyone else should know that, too.

[Barbed Wire Butterfly]

For a mere moment her eyes glisten with tears. but this time..It was more then anyone could know. She lifted her pen and flipped her journal open, pacing back in forth as she wrote. Her high-heeled dress boots clicked against the tile as she moved in rythmic motions. She tipped her head and chewed on the pen cap just before blottin down...

You know what. I've never been happier in my life. For myself. I was moved to the department I wanted. AND I'm a consultant on the resident's behalfs. You know. I always thought life would kick me in the ass, but this time I have kicked it... - Her eyes move over her boots as her smile becomes her features.- I went in and told the administrator of the nursing home. " You can do one of two things. First you could let me go to the Nursing department. Or Two, you watch my ass as I leave you to train more people and waste more of the money you seem to have stuck in your ass." Well. I know I was out of line and out of control. But it worked. I showed a little backbone and stood up for my damned self and told him what was what. So now every friday I get to wear a suit to work, and sit at a desk and discuss how our facilty can make the lives of our inhabitors more like home. Then, every other day of the week I am workin'2-10 Save for mondays those are my days off. but you know? I don't care. It makes me warm inside to know that I can provide. Like I always have.

I had a friend tell me the other day, and Gibby told me as well ( a while back) That Everything will be ok. ...I always seem to find some way to fix a problem. Not sayin' I can fix everything but pretty darn close.

-She slams it closed and sucks in a proud breath..her hair down in massive curls and hugging her face..she replaced the journal to the shelf pile and clicked her pin closed. She shook her head and moved away from the area.-

[Pixie]

good for you hon

[Gibby]

~big huggles~ Good for you Twice!!! I'm so proud of you!!! And congrats!!! :-)

[Barbed Wire Butterfly]

Have you ever wanted to dance around in your underwear?

Sing outloud so the whole world could hear?

I have.

Have you ever wanted to just look up and scream?

Or maybe put some extra chocolate on your ice cream?

I have.

Have you ever just stood in a shower and let the water drip down, and just think how amusing each drop is?

Sat outside like an idiot on stone bench in the park just to see if you can count the quarters in the bottom of a frozen fountain?

Ran acrossed a thin patch of ice only to slide wayyyy out into the middle of a frozen lake?

Ran down the street buck-assed-naked just to see if you get anyone to honk?

I have.

I've done so many things. But I have yet to live.

I have yet to really understand why we do silly things.

It's to keep everything real? Bad things happen everytime something good does. So I've learned. Live for the first breath. And worry about the second when it doesn't come.

*closes her journal and smiles..walkin' back to bed in her silky pjs and fluffy slippers*

[Pixie]

I think you have lived more than I have honey*hugs and kisses*

[TwiceFrozenHeart]

...Wow. I'm growing. and I have all of you to thank..

I was always opening psp9 and looking at the different options. but I always chickened out and closed it. Well. Today. I made my first cloak.

It's horrible... I won't lie. But You know what? I love it anyway.

I'm going to learn more and grow.

Perhaps someday.. I'll be known for mine.

It's choppy...even to some half-baked.. but it was a lot of fun

[Barbed Wire Butterfly]

I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life. Never had I been so angry. I literally wanted to murder any living thing around me.

Last weekend. My mother decided to call the cops on me. AS well as report me to the dcfs hotline.

She made the complaint that I.. ME...had grabbed ahold of my daughter and shaken her violently while she was upside down and I was holding onto her leg. Claiming I left bruises on my daughters body. So they had to investigate. When it was unfounded. I told them everything that had happend again. All about my mom and her habbits. They said they wouldn't take her complaints so seriously for the times on. Because they were there ready to handcuff me.

The cops knew, said they would have expected. But the first investigater was new. The old one showed up shortly and appologized for it. Said she knew there was no purpose and it was a waste of time.

I saw my mom later at walmart, where she proceeded to slap me infront of people. Hard enough to leave a welt. I didn't retaliate. The police were called. and my mom hauled off in handcuffs. They asked me if I wanted to press charges. and I am. She could be locked up for months, or cop a plea and get probation. Either way she will PAY. she WILL never hit me agian. NEVER.

[Barbed Wire Butterfly]

You grab the keys. Give the world around you a look. Decide that you are just plum tired of seeing what's there. I've been known a few times to just go for a drive. Sing out loud til I think my chest will burst...

But never had I ever realized how much I really enjoy having that time. But they end up only being 30min-1hour drives. Nothin' longer. somethin' in my heart turns my car around and drives back to the town I live.

This shitty place. It's depressing. Nothing to do. No one to see. Nothin', but work and home. I get up from sleep, get on here for a few hours, and then I'm to work and home again.

Real interesting? Yes. I know being a mom there isn't much. Well let me tell you somethin'. When Alexa was abotu 2 days old. Her and I went to Walmart and walked the entire store. Every isle. Everything. I picked up things and showed her. Sat and fed her. You know. It was fun. Teaching and showing her stuff. I did the same for Kroger and every other store we have.

Then it was the parks. My favorite is Kickapoo. Mostly because of the scout area. We sat up there on a warmer October day and looked at the different trees and the sky, and the creek. IT was a load of fun. Seeing her eyes light up to these new things.

But now. After we've done it all several times. It's old. I feel like there's nothin' I can do with her that keeps my nerves from being shot.

I, being her mom, can't stand the wail. It makes me hurt inside. It makes me ache. So I am constantly finding some learning activity to do.

I bought all sorts of books with different textures in it. Or ones with big pop up pictures.

....Moving'.....sounds like a new challenge. Perhaps I shall do it again. but to where?

WHERE?!

*Frowns jinglin' keys*

[Pixie]

*hugs gently*

[Barbed Wire Butterfly]

You know..I'd never thought I'd find myself in this place.

I feel like I'm stuck in a moment of time and can't get out. It's like this city is all I'm bound for. This job will be the one I have when I retire. I wanna move up someday to an office job..


My daughter is loudly protesting me going to work so many hours...you know? It hurts me when I leave her and she's cryin'. It really does. And I shouldn't have to fuckin' work my ass off because some stupid cunts at work don't want to work a full time job..and I have to pick up their slack. Working 101 hours in 2 weeks is hurtin' me everywhere.

You see.. .they hire new people, and then they no call/no show and get terminated right on the spot. But when it comes to me.. I get called first. I can never say no.. I jump to it. It's not because I'm a kiss ass. I'm not one of those by a long shot. but we have people who KNOW we are short to begin with and call off because they want to go out on Friday night. Or get laid on pay day. COME ON...URGH...

GROW THE FUCK UP?

am I too young to feel this way? Or am I being childish and greedy? I'll never know. It gets under my skin though... like a thorn..

[Pixie]

*hugs you tightly*no honey-but you are one of the few rare people with a true work ethic-it sucks sometimes but I am also one of those that could be called and I would do my best to come in no matter what

[Barbed Wire Butterfly]

-Hugs Pix-

Thanks love. Really...: )



Movin' on...

I really don't care for this time of year. It's messed up. Yea it's cute for publicity maybe. But shouldn't you be told I love you everyday. Whether specially or not. Anyone and everyone should know they are loved.

Not just on a date on the calendar.. but everyday..every second.

It's not a calendar that controls how we live. We make a schedule for our calendar and watch as it fills with out memories..or our future memories.

Isn't this enough?

Flowers?.. Never had any from a guy..Yeah, maybe someday they'd be a good suprise. But I'd rather get them on some random day then out on a holiday where a guy feels obligated to..

By why tie a heart to a date?.. Why tie a heart to anything but another?...I don't know..maybe I miss the point...

Valentine's day should be everyday in this case...

[Pixie]

I believe that part of the reason why we have Valentine's Day is to help get through the winter doldrums-but I do agree that people should be told on a daily basis that they are loved-I know I try to do just that to my family and friends-sometimes just hearing that is enough to bring me out of a funk before it slips into a full blown depression*shrugs* but I am just not sure about so much lately-including whether there are people that truly love me or if they are just saying it so they don't have to deal with my histrionics...

[Barbed Wire Butterfly]

..You are loved. I didn't mean by a significant other especially. Friends thrive on V-day too. Why?..Blah. I don't know. It's a rotten day. ^-^ But never-the-less. I will do as I've always done. Be me. Be guarded.. be loved.

Alexa...has .... congestion.. and I can't do anything about it!

Alexa is my 4 month old daughter

[Pixie]

thanks honey-that means a lot-try to give her a lot of clear juice and water and stay away from anything dairy-that should help with the congestion and I will send her healing energy as well.