Get Out of My Head!

[Emilia]

I've got something that's always on my mind... and I can't think of a way to get it to leave... I've tried everything I can think of... many of these things have landed me in mental hospitals... nothing has worked.. and I wonder if one of you can save me from what's always in my head..

When I was 8 years old, my gramma died from liver cancer... and I did what any normal person would, at least that's what I've been told, attached myself to someone else... I picked the wrong person, my stepdad... who beat the hell out of my mom, before he left... and I got hurt.. so I attached myself to someone else.. my moms best friend, who was also my best friends father...

When I was nine the worst possible thing happened to me that I could ever imagine... he raped me... and told me as he did that if I never told her would never do it again.. So I didn't... at least not for a while. I was 12 1/2 before everything came out.. I was 13 when it went to court... and when the jury found him guilty, the bailiff actually had to drag him from the court room, because his eyes were on me and he was screaming he'd kill me... he'd do it again and he'd kill me! But the thing with it is when he was on the stand and he was talking he blamed me... told the court it was my fault that he did it, my fault.

And the worst part is.. After 4 1/2 years of on and off counseling and random types of therapies.. I still blame myself... even after being told "It's not your fault, you were a little girl" So many times my head spins when I try to think just how many. And I've had so many people tell me that there are girls raped everyday who end up killed so they cannot name their attacker... and god knows how many times I've wished one of those girls could have been me... I think it could have been easier if it had been, you know.. then I wouldn't have the memories that I do... and no one would really know what happened.. or how it happened, just that something did.. and that I'm gone because of it.

And I guess that the hardest part now is trusting guys... I mean I make friends with guys so easily, it's just the relationship part that I get stuck on... You know, like it runs through my head... how do I know that this is one of the nice guys, or how do i know what he'll do when we're alone... and it's just so hard that I find myself writing in a journal every night just to give to my shrink once a week, just to keep what little sanity I have left... and even that doesn't seem to be working...

Someone help me... Any advice is better than nothing!

[Pixie]

well to begin with it is good you are getting help........I have never been sexually abused so I do not have any real answers-but I think it is important that you begin to talk about it-it is the only way to get it out......as far as trusting men and anyone that is more powerful than you I would suppose it will take a long time until you are truly comfortable with that concept.....but in time you will find your instinct will guide you to those that might be able to be trusted and steer you away from those that cannot be trusted..and if anyone cannot accept you as you are while you are building yourself back into the strong person you can be they are not worth your time honey

[Gibby]

I agree Emilia. I think that it's good that you are getting professional help and that you are talking about it. And as far as trusting guys again. It is probably going to take some time, but your instinct should tell you if a guy is good or not. But you have to listen to it, and not get attached to a guy just because you need someone to be attached to.

And I have never been assaulted either, so I can't say that I understand or can relate, cuz I can't. But I can offer my advice and support, and my attentiveness for listening to friends in need. Do you feel like getting attacked is your fault, or sending him to jail is your fault? Because as far as I can see, neither is your fault. You didn't help him become a jerk, or make him attack or rape you. It was all him. His fault. And as far as him going to jail, that was his own fault too, because if he wouldn't have done that, then he wouldn't have ended up in jail. And now he can't do that to any other girls. ~hugs~ It must be hard, but you did the right thing.

[Emilia]

Well, that is one thing I'm worried about Gibby.. *sighs* As I said *re-reads what she typed before* Okie maybe I didn't *ment to type it before* He was given 7-13 years for was he did... with the possiblity of parole after 3 years... He was OUT 18 months later... yes he's registered as a sex offender... and he wasn't supposed to be around his two daughter's untill they were 18... but the oldest is 16 now and he is with her everyday... and he raped her as well.... and there were 17 other girls.. but I was the only one with enough guyts to testify against him... *sighs* He lives 3 blocks away from me... the restraining order states 300 yards!! Sex offenders are not allowed within 10 blocks of ANY school of any kind... he lives 4 blocks from the elementary school I went to! There are all kinds of kids.. boys and girls alike.. that walk by his home every day! And the STUPID justice system here in Ohio does NOTHING to help this!!!

*sighs shakily*
Now that I have most of that out I guess I should tell what happened last week.. maybe you guys can help me with that, or can think of something I can do to try and help myself..

Well, I live across the street from a dollar store.. and my mom sent me over to the store to get some dog food and a pair of gloves for the little girl my sister babysits because a bad storm was supposed to hit that night. I was in the back of the store looking for which kind of dog food she wanted me to get and I felt a hand on my shoulder... I was turned around so quick that I dropped the bag I had in my hand...

It was him, and he had I knife.. he put it to my throat and told me what he repeated over and over as they drug him from the courtroom... that he was going to do it again.. and then kill me... He reached for the button on my jeans and as he did I swore I heard an angel sing....

My little brother came into view behind him... Once Scotty, my brother, realized what was going on he tackled Dan, the guy, to the ground and started hitting him.. when he tackled Dan the knife cut into me.. but not deep enough to do any major damage, My brother grabbed the money and everything else i dropped and we left the store with scotty throwing the money on the counter and us taking off.. He practically carried me and the dog food home... imagine.. a 165lb, 6'1 boy carrying his 150lb sister and 25lb bag of dog food home.

We got home and my mom called the cops... they told me and mom that we could fill out a report, but since the store doesn't have cameras, that there was nothing they could do... even with my brother as a witness... I cried and yelled at the officer... but nothing helped he kept telling me that without actual proof that it was Dan, that he couldn't do anything and that the wound on my throat could have been self-inflicted, as that has happened before.

I just don't know what to do.. even with proof that he didn't leave the store untill after my brother and I, and that when he did he was all bruised up, that they won't do a damned thing about it... I tried talking to my shrink, but he has no useful info other than to try to forget about it... but the scar that's forming on my throat is going to be a constant reminder... what can I do?

[Pixie]

I would check on that restraining order and then tell the cops that he is in violation of it every time he is home....and I would go to a legal clinic to get a lawyer to make sure it is enforced-and I shall keep praying for you honey-remember I am here if you need me..

[Emilia]

Thanks hunny.. I'll try both and then get back to you guys later on how it turned out...

[Gibby]

~Hugs~ I'm really sorry to hear all that happened. I would definitely talk to the police and tell them that his is in violation of his restraining order....~shakes her head~ It's really messed up how the world works sometimes.....

...You will be in my thoughts and prayers....and please do keep us updated.

[Serena Serenity]

To be honest hunny, I don't know if they will do anything. I know a man who was accused of being a child molestor and the case has been sitting there for over a year and he got custody of his kids. The mother is a good friend of mine and she is freaking out, trying to get this case going as much as possible because she is scared as hell for her children. The law sucks when it comes to that, even though people say it's fast and easy, it isn't and they don't know what the hell they are talking about. The guy raped a 13 year old and it's just sitting there and he has his kids, one of them is turning 12 this Christmas. Hang in there though and don't go anywhere alone anymore, or without something to defend youself with. I found Mace in their eyes is a good thing for you, and bad for them. Sorry, I'm evil, but it hurts like hell for them. You will be in my thoughts though and I hope this bastard ends up where he belongs. If I could get to you though somehow, I would make sure he would never ever lay a hand on you again. *snugs*

[Cat]

Get a gun. Or learn tae kwon do or something. True, it's gonna be hard to be around guys (I still don't like guys much, but I'm the only one out of my mom's four kids that wasn't sexually assulted.) Maybe I'm being evil, but I don't think I am. Next time, if your alone, kick him as hard as you can in the groin. The law sucks major when it comes to stuff like this, there's an elementary school two blocks away, and there's a sex offender living right across the street. So I think those sorts of laws suck everywhere. Mace is illegal (at least in Indiana, dunno about Ohio) but fight dirty. Also, body spray in their eyes hurts just like Mace does, or rubbing alcohol for that matter. *nod*

[Emilia]

That's one thing I don't think I'll ever own! I don't like guns... mainly because my best friend was shot this past year... over owing some dude 5 bucks! So no, but I do carry around a switch-blade now, that my brother gave to me... Yeah Mace is illigal in Ohio... so I can't carry that either... and I usually don't leave without one of my friends or my brother with me anyway, not now at least. And I learn Tae-Kown-Do as a child, it just doesn't work as well when you get snuck up on like that!
*snuggles all* Thanks Guys! You've really helped me!

[Pixie]

welcome honey-we are always here for you*hugs*

[Emilia]

So the cops refuse to do a thing!!! He has been following me around, I went outside for a cig after work last week and he drove by twice, waved and smiled the second time... I called the cops and they said unless I have proof they can't do anything... which is such bullshit!!! I mean the man threatened my life and damn near killed me once before!!! How are they not gonna do anything? It makes no sence to me at all!!!