Hallie
Starbound Butterfly
Life's Oxymoron
Posts: 205
|
Post by Hallie on Oct 30, 2005 20:50:18 GMT -5
I'm panicked. I don't know what to do. Can't stand being here... being alone. I tried calling one of my friends, but... Its really sad when you have a panic attack because of talking to a friend that you view as a sister. My heart was pounding so hard that it made me geel nauseous. I got so worked up that I have the hiccups now and still have that sick feeling. I don't want to alienate the last friend I have... But how do I keep going when just the thought of talking to her makes me stutter like I need speech therapy and sweat like I'm in a sauna... I had to hang up on her and don't even remember the reason I gave her for not staying on the phone. I can't stand it anymore. I can't go outside. I can't sleep. I can't talk on the phone. I thought it was getting better, but its getting worse. Its getting to the point that the tranquilizers aren't even calming me down from them... the only thing that works is the pain... But if I start cutting again, I'll never get my son back. I can't risk that and I'm scared. I just can't do this anymore. ...I've gotta go calm down before I have a stroke or something. I just... don't know how to calm down without hurting myself.
|
|
|
Post by PandieCandii on Oct 30, 2005 22:13:00 GMT -5
~*~this reply has been deleated by Candii-Lynn~*~
|
|
Hallie
Starbound Butterfly
Life's Oxymoron
Posts: 205
|
Post by Hallie on Oct 30, 2005 23:49:05 GMT -5
I don't mind if you write a poem or whatnot about me. I actually find that rather flattering in a kinda demented way. The number, while a sweet gesture, would not be used for the simple fact that I have no income and therefore I don't have long distance to call you with. I wish I did, then at least I'd have someone to talk to.
As for being strong and not cutting... well, its hard... but I haven't yet. Its... its like a drug. Its addicting. I know at least one person who may read this will think that I'm a hypocrite, and I'm sorry for not letting you know sooner... and I think he knows who he is if he ever reads this... But, it hurts not to cut... it hurts not to burn. I wish it would just go away so I could be normal... But, I'm not normal, and its a hard fight when I'm fighting what feels like a war of one against hundreds... And the hundreds are winning, and the prize at stake is my son. I just... I dunno... I'm sorry to have worried you... and everyone else who may read this...
|
|
crowsrlaughin
Starbound Butterfly
.Welcome to the Machine.
Posts: 155
|
Post by crowsrlaughin on Oct 31, 2005 14:50:35 GMT -5
I know all about panic attacks and being lonely.
I know how it is when you can't really tell anyone how you feel. How you stomach knots up when you'r about to tell them and you body just rejects the idea. I get stomach pains just thinking about those situations.
But, if anything... Don't hurt yourself. Not only for your son, I know thats a big part of your life, it's someone very special and one of the lights and loves of your life. That person that will make everything okay in the end.
But if not just for him, for you.
Maybe if you found out what exactly is making you feel like this, you can somehow correct it. I always say sometimes it's better to get a change of scenery. It works for a lot of things, if only we had unlimited money huh? We can just keep running and running and running past the walls and barreirs that keep rising up to tower over us.
We can keep dogding the storms and tidel waves that crash above us. Trying to take us down, take us off our feet. But we have to sometimes find a strength to rise us above them all. Rise us to what makes us all heros.
Maybe your strength is your son, the addiction is your blood, to bleed out the bad. But your really just sacraficing yourself. Don't do it...
I don't know how many words I can say, to help you not feel that way. Actually this might not even help. I haven't ever been really big into cutting but I have a friend who bares scars on her arms like war wounds. All up and down them, that silent reminder. That constant little paranoia of that black cloud that could appear.
But you can rise above it, and so did she. I have faith and promise that you will float on with the rest of them. And that happiness we all strive for will be the river to carry you along through life. It just seems to be so many litlte rocky routes we have to go down. But they do say that life is a constant roller coaster, and slowly we're climbing up the hills.
I wish I could say or do something to take it away but that is impossible. But you can. I don't know what can help, I myself am still struggling with panic attacks and social aniexity. But I still have faith that one day I can do it, and one day you'll have what is most important in your life.
And as I can not ever be there really physically for you, I'm here cyber-via, and maybe my words will linger in your mind if you ever need a reason to smile, and shine.
Tearlesseyes: I hope you don't mind I'm gonna write a poem too. Just because I feel inspired right now. I hope you don't find it offending or anything, wasn't meant like that.
Hallie: Although this might make no total sense to you, I hope you find something encouraging out of it. Just some words of mine, I would like to share with you.
|
|
Hallie
Starbound Butterfly
Life's Oxymoron
Posts: 205
|
Post by Hallie on Nov 1, 2005 12:14:25 GMT -5
I....really don't know what to say... I cried for a good long while the first time I read that... And I still blink back tears when I come across it. It was a very sweet gesture, and I love the poem, Serpi. Thank you.
Just a general update... I did manage to get through the event without cutting or burning. No new scars to add to the mix. I still get the cravings, but they are more easily controlled now that the ordeal is taken care of for the most part. The hospital was the worst one, I stuttered really bad in that poor lady's office, and she was so nice... but when it was over I nearly ran over two old ladies as I bolted from the building. Wasn't pretty. The SSA office, I didn't have much of an episode... just shook like I was cold. Made an appointment to return Tuesday the 8th... We'll see how that goes...
Thanks y'all... thanks for just listening and being so supportive... I about died when I re-read some of the stuff that I wrote. It really surprised me that I didn't get some of the astonished remarks about my addiction that most so openly express when they find out. It really helps to know that y'all are so supportive and seemingly non-judgemental... So.. thanks.
|
|
Pixie
Starbound Butterfly
faith and trust and pixie dust
Posts: 335
|
Post by Pixie on Nov 1, 2005 14:12:56 GMT -5
we all have our addictions-they are just different honey-and we are friends here and love you*hugs and kisses*
|
|
|
Post by Gibby on Nov 1, 2005 18:52:58 GMT -5
Hallie, you said that you were surprised that no one commented? Interesting. What sorts of things do people say? Personally, I have never done that, or thought about cutting,....or really even know anyone who does that. The reason that I didn't comment about that on the boards, probably, is because what can one say? I don't judge you for doing that, or think of you as any less of a person for doing it. ~smiles~ If I had to pick an emotion, I would probably have to say that I am curious. I mean, after never knowing anyone to be a cutter, I would just have questions,...which I love to ask questions.....~light laugh~ so feel free to shoot any of them down if you don;t want to answer them. But I guess one question would be what makes you cut, or why do you feel that you need to cut yourself for things to be ok?
I would hope that no one here would be judgemental.....cuz that would kinda defeat the purpose of the boards, now wouldn't it? ~huggles~
|
|
Hallie
Starbound Butterfly
Life's Oxymoron
Posts: 205
|
Post by Hallie on Nov 1, 2005 21:18:43 GMT -5
This is really hard for me to answer. Until these boards, I never admitted to being a self inflictor. No one was to know that I wasn't normal. No one was to know about anything abnormal about myself... not my suicidal thoughts, not my attempts, and definately not my cutting and burning.
There are some good friends of mine that never knew, and if they ever read this, I'm not sure how they would feel. I'd prolly imagine a bit betrayed, or as I might have mentioned in a previous post somewhere, they might feel as if I'm a hypocrite... which I completely understand... But, on the average, the three other people that I've told did one of three things: 1. Called me a liar and said that the scars came from accidents and said I was just trying to get attention. 2. Overreacted and demanded that I be incarcerated because of being suicidal, then wouldn't talk to me afterwards when they judged me to not be a threat unto myself because she said I lied to the doctors. 3. Told me that I was stupid and that I didn't need friends, I needed a state asylum.
So, naturally, its rather hard to accept that strangers aren't freaking out as bad as my close friends did....
To answer your questions as best I can, I know that cutting doesn't make everything all right, but it helps me to focus so that I can cope. I know this doesn't make any sense to you... It doesn't make much sense to me, but that's the only way I know how to explain it.
For awhile there, I thought I had a handle on the situation... I'd stopped cutting for awhile, and thought I was cured. But, going to jail stopped that. I've burned myself purposely once and used needles to pierce a few odd places about three times since I got out of jail. I use needles because it brings the needed feeling without the hideous scars of cutting and burning.
What makes me cut? Its an addiction that one never really gets out of... the symptoms may go away, but they are always at the back of your mind once you program them there with the first few incidents. I found out when I was 12 years old that cutting helped me cope with emotional pain by letting me focus on the physical pain of the glass shredding my ankle. I graduated from glass to knives, needles and burning over the years... mostly in areas that no one will ever see, even if I wear a bathing suit. And if they are visable, they either look "official" or like accidents, so I don't have to worry about them.
I guess the simple answer would be, I hurt myself physically to cope with the mental anguish that I have trouble handling. Its a coping mechanism, and its addicting.
Thanks for being so candid with your curiosity. I really didn't know what to say... how to explain... but I guess I did an all right job of it...
And Pixie:
Thanks for understanding, Darlin. *Hugs and kisses* Love you, too.
|
|
|
Post by Gibby on Nov 1, 2005 21:57:37 GMT -5
Hallie, thanks for telling me all this. ~hugs~ It seems like it was really hard for you to do, seeing as not so many people who know you RT know about it. I'm very touched that you took the time to answer my questions.
Why would your friends think you are a hypocrit? I remember you writing that elsewhere and thought the same thing before.
I'm sorry that the three people you told reacted that way. ~big hugs~ ~shakes her head at their reactions~ Why would you make something like that up? And in repsonse to #3, everyone needs friends, especially if they are in a time of need. This now makes sense as to why you were surprised.
I'm glad that you took the time to explain, or tried to explain why you do it. The addiction never really goes away? Really? Or have you just not found a way to escape it yet? (I'm not trying to be a smart a** here, just genuinely wondering) We should find you a different hobby, my dear, a different way to cope. ~smiles~
You're welcome for me being so candid. I figured the only way that I could even begin to try to understand was to ask. And that it couldn't hurt to ask, the worst you could say is no,...well, and I guess that you were offended....~laughs~I'm glad you weren't offended. And I felt that knowing at least a little bit would help me be a better listener.~smiles~ I think you did a great job explaining. Thanks. ~huggles~
|
|
Hallie
Starbound Butterfly
Life's Oxymoron
Posts: 205
|
Post by Hallie on Nov 1, 2005 23:02:51 GMT -5
Gibby:
You're welcome, dear. I suppose the reason I took the time is because if people don't understand, no one will ever find the cure. The addiction is different for everyone, as Wynd has helped to clarify.
Why a hypocrite? Because of the way I reacted when they told me that they were cutters. I'm not really proud of it... I psazzed pretty bad because I didn't want anyone else to feel the pain that i did on a regular basis. It saddened me and hit me hard that other people cut for similar reasons that I did... made me lose some hope for the world... because there for awhile I thought I was the only one.
As for being offended, I am too much of a teacher to be offended by any question someone may ask of me. I don't get offended except by closed minded people and you certainly don't strike me as the closed minded type.
Wynd... I really don't know what to say except for "Thank You" which I have been saying an awful lot around here... I do really hope you realize just how much I appreciate your support. You're precious.
|
|
Pixie
Starbound Butterfly
faith and trust and pixie dust
Posts: 335
|
Post by Pixie on Nov 2, 2005 0:26:13 GMT -5
I am not sure if I fully understand the need to cut yourself....but lately I have been doing things that make me hate myself afterwards just so I can feel "wanted" or "needed" for a little while although I know it is just pretend......as I said we all have our addictions love-and together we shall find a way to fight our way out of the shadows and back to the light
|
|
Hallie
Starbound Butterfly
Life's Oxymoron
Posts: 205
|
Post by Hallie on Nov 2, 2005 3:54:27 GMT -5
Well, I would hope that you don't fully understand, Lovie... because to fully understand, one has to be a cutter or self inflictor of some sort.
As for the addictions... aye, together we can be stronger than we are alone. I'm here if you need to talk. I know I haven't been much for talking lately, and I've not been visible most times... but now, after reading some of my stories, you might not hate me too much for not being readily available for everyone. I am truly sorry for that, but I am getting better now. So, if you need to talk, my YIM is always on, and if I'm not there, I'll get your offline message as soon as I log back on.
|
|
Pixie
Starbound Butterfly
faith and trust and pixie dust
Posts: 335
|
Post by Pixie on Nov 2, 2005 14:28:32 GMT -5
I never hated you baby-just thought that like everyone else you realised how boring I truly am and did not wish to talk to me.....I'm used to it....and I am always on messenger if I am home.....
|
|
|
Post by Gibby on Nov 2, 2005 19:16:58 GMT -5
Hallie, I don't think that your friends would call you that....they would probably feel similar to your feelings, that you also felt the pain that they did.
I am definitely not closed minded...or at least try not to be. Everyone is different with their own story. I like talking to people and learning about others and what they have to say. ~laughs~Hence all the questions. I try to listen and help where I can. If I can't then I still try anyway.
|
|
|
Post by Serena Serenity on Nov 8, 2005 3:19:03 GMT -5
*snugs* I'm glad you made it through hum. I've told you I am a cutter before. I remember your reaction too. *giggles* I say I am and not I was because I know I'm not over it. Not nearly, but I fight it. I don't really know what I'm like though. Then again, I've never thoguht highly of myself. Ever. Anyhow, this isn't about me, it's about you Hallie hun. *smiles* I'm always here if you ever need me. You know that. Though I don't hear from you as often as I used to. It's ok though. *nods* No worries. I'm just happy you are alright.
|
|