|
Post by Razorblade Butterfly on Nov 22, 2005 23:16:08 GMT -5
Right now, I can't seem to answer that question when someone asks me. How am I? Usually I just say "fine" so that it isn't an issue about it. But my honest answer is, I don't know. Not good, thats for sure, and not fine either.
Everyone wants to talk with me. Thats not necessarily the problem. For some reason I'm having a hard time explaining myself, explaining the things that aren't just on the surface.. and actually committing the time to try and explain and express myself. It would probably take days of explanation. There's so many things getting to me, everything from childhood issues, bills, family, to questioning life itself.
*sighs* Okay. I want to talk. But be patient with me, please.
Honestly I'm scared and I don't know why. Things are piling up right now and i just need someone to talk to. Maybe it would be best to see a psychologist, but for right now, I think that talking to my friends is at least a good start.
Could someone get me started? Just ask me something... anything...
|
|
|
Post by Gibby on Nov 22, 2005 23:48:58 GMT -5
~gives great big hugs~
I know the feeling where it's easier to give the easy answer and say fine, so you don't have to explain yourself....especially with a question like "how are you?". Cuz most people use that as a general greeting, and sometimes say it to be poilte....but there are those out there who truly care what the response is,..and if it's not satisfactory to them, will push further.
This is the key that I have learned, and am going to pass on to you. When someone asks you how you are, and you give a mediocre response, ie..~shrugs~, eh..., ok i guess, etc, and then they ask a follow up question indicating something as to why you answered like that, then they are truly concerned about you and how you are actually doing.....a new concept, I know.
When you say you are having a hard time explaining yourself, what do you mean? Why do you have to explain yourself?
I think it's a good sign that you want to talk, but don't know how or where to start. The first step is knowing that you need to talk.
~closes her eyes and randomly chooses...childhood issues, bills, family, questioning life itself....reaches in and chooses....~questioning life itself, it is then......when you say you are questioning life, what are you questioning?? Why you are here? What would happen if you weren't here?
I have plenty of patience. You know where to find me. I am always here for you to talk to. ~sneaks in for one more big hug~
|
|
|
Post by You Know Who on Nov 23, 2005 0:00:28 GMT -5
I don't think you'll have a problem with talking, boots. I think it's more of you're being too shy to start. It's easier to answer questions then to just begin anywhere.
And I dont think you'll have a problem with getting people to ask questions. Everyone here is a friend of yours somehow.
But there's something that bother's me... We could ask questions over and over again, but it won't hit at what you're really thinking.
So why don't you start there... A month ago, everything was going great. The job, the family, the basic functions. A month everything was different. You smiled more, had time for those you call friends, and the biggest thing we ever really debated about was whether or not to sleep with socks on or off that night.
There's millions of questions people can ask, and millions of answers you can give.. but you know it as well as I do, boots.. Their not going to be the right questions.
So tell me something... What changed this past month that has turned the best friend I had into someone I hardly even recognize anymore...
|
|
|
Post by Razorblade Butterfly on Nov 23, 2005 0:03:04 GMT -5
Well I'm having trouble explaining myself only because of my own reasons. It's not because i dont have a medium or listeners. It has to do with being intimidated and frustrated. For some reason its hard for me to find words right now. Its hard for me to even write, and even harder to speak.
Questioning Life... its not quite that. I've run through all the "why am i here" and "what would it be like if i were gone." That's not quite it. It's something more serious and scary to me.
um... the next things i have to say might scare people. I'm worried about that too.
|
|
|
Post by Gibby on Nov 23, 2005 0:15:09 GMT -5
I do kinda agree with You Know Who, as in you must have something specific on your mind that you want to talk about. And for as many questions that we will ask, we might never hit what you truly need to talk about. So even if you don't know what all to write, if you start, then I will ask whatever I need to, to get you to the best answer.
What is more serious and scary? What you might say next might scare people, but I think that the unknown is sometimes more scary than the known. And if you don't say it, you might have people worrying for nothing. But then again, you might not. You'll never know unless you say it. And if it will make you feel better to get it off your chest, to tell someone about it, then please do share it. If you don't share it, will it worry you more, and eat away at you?
I thought that this wasn't a place to worry about what you say, but to voice your feelings and things that you are worried about, and get help and support and opinions.
|
|
|
Post by Razorblade Butterfly on Nov 23, 2005 0:25:47 GMT -5
Well.. I do want those numerous questions to be asked so i can try to answer them. I do think it will help to talk about stuff like that. Mostly because the reason i have changed recently isn't just one thing, its more of a cumulation of big things. I'd like to figure out what they are so I can start dealing with them.
But to try to answer your question CJ, the past month or two I've been faced with a lot of changes. Suddenly a lot of bills have come up.. but thats not important enough to me to affect if I'm happy or sad. Well not epically anyways. Money was good though a month ago, when you mentioned i was smiling more.
Amanda and I had an issue, but we worked through it and are stronger now because of it, and closer too.
She has a lot to do with why I'm feeling how I'm feeling now, but its not her fault or nothing she's doing intentionally. Nothing she can help.
its more than just girls and money though. I've been told recently that I bottle all my emotions inside. I don't get angry, I'm usually always calm, and then apparently down the line I'll blow up over nothing. I'm starting to develop little OCD things i didn't notice before. But apparently these are things I've been dealing with all along, thinking that all normal people do this. Most of it probably is normal reactions, something that anybody would do in my shoes. Insomnia, obsessive compulsive, bipolar.. i don't know if i have any of these things, but if there were something chemically wrong or imbalanced with me I wouldn't be surprised.
I just... I dunno..
|
|
|
Post by Busted on Nov 23, 2005 0:55:05 GMT -5
i really wish i knew what to say to make it better, but if that were the case, itd have been changed along time ago.
Youve never been one to just start out on a screaming match just to make something feel better. if im correct you just let it go, easier then dealing with it. but now that things are hetic, youre beginning to realize that holding it in isnt the easiest thing to do anymore huh?
I know you and A are doing well, i can tell by ways of my own, but still somethings bothering you. i messaged her myself in a private message about some things that she mentioned, though have no clue if she took heed of any of it.
as for you its not so easy. i dont know her as well as i used to know you so answering things for her was abit easier.
when it comes to someone whom would much rather see everyone else happy then themselves, it gets weird when the table turns and its you who finally has to admit that you need some help for once. after spending so much time helping everyone else, no wonder you floor at a loss for words.
but really i dont think its a loss for words you have, boots. i think its more of a knowing that the words you want to say are what keeps you hesent. youve never had a lack of the vocabulary. the words come easy for you. dont believe me? sit down to write something that you intend to save for your eyes only. youd be surprised how easy everything comes out then even if it doesnt make any sense.
think maybe its the fact that you know once you write something here people will actually have a glimps of the guy underneath the image. once you start takin and telling stories, asking advice, writing from the heart, theres no way to just pretend that everythings okay again. youll never get to take whats said back.
could it be that you arent quite ready to let people in? if so, youd have started by filling out that profile of yours that still sits incomplete. Youd have written your 'story' by now, telling people about the little things in your life that only a few know about. your habits of wearing socks everywhere but to bed when your alone, or about how you love the rain, or your secret feti.. well, you get the point.
if I had to guess, i think you love to be a mystery. you enjoy being able to always be this happy person whom can give people advice at the drop of a hat.
just because you share apart of yourself doesnt mean that anything else really changes. not for the worse. you always say that making people happy makes you happy. but admitting that things arent as 'happy' as you sometimes let off to be, isnt going to ruin their 'happiness'.
I dont know what to tell you, boots. your a private person and i dont like speaking about things that others dont know about. the only way I can really help at all, is if you give it all you got. tell your story and forget about the fact that others are reading it. maybe youll see yourself as I do. a guy with a gift of words. and someone that isnt perfect... but is all at the same time.
i cant ask the questions i want to ask, even though part of me is itching to just break something out to get you to open up. Ive never been very good at probing. But you can bet that when youre ready to talk about you... i'll be one of the first ones to reply.
|
|
|
Post by Razorblade Butterfly on Nov 23, 2005 1:20:49 GMT -5
Okay.. I'll try.
I've dealt with depression since high school (of course) which really isn't special or different than most people. It's a long story, and I'll talk about that too. But for now, i only bring it up because at one point, I had attempted suicide.
And I vaguely remember the feelings i had then, on that terrible night. How much i cried, the feelings I had.
And now its different. There were times when I had such selfish thoughts, reasons for suicide being to try to make people realize how much they cared about me but weren't showing me.
That wasn't the driving factor though, actually it was a small part. I think the bigger thing was not having any control over my life, especially of who came and went. From moving so often.. so many father figures.. losing so many friends.. being awake at night when no one else was.. alone.. If i didn't have control over my life, where i was and who was in it, at least I had control over when it would end.
And there was something tragically romantic about it all, which for some twisted reason, appealed to me.
It's different now though. Maybe that's what the issue is.
There's something haunting me. My dreams, my daydreams. There's this idea, this urge, and it wont go away. Its horrifying. Its hard to explain and frankly I don't want to. Its too graphic. i just.. i dunno why I'm dreaming about cutting.. or getting random urges of sadness and wanting to cut. i mean.. its been longer than a year since I've cut. (happy anniversary eh?) Sure I've had thoughts or urges about it, and my own reasons which probably no one would think were reason enough. But until now they were easy enough to just ignore. I had people in my life that kept me happy, distracted. Its like.. happiness for me is just a distraction. A distraction from reality, from depression.
And by god I want to be distracted...
*brushes at his eyes* I've got no sense of time. No reason to wake up or go to bed in the first place. For some reason I have no sense of having a future or wanting one. There are important people in my life, very important people.. who i don't want to disappoint or let down. And the thought of living with out them, or them with out me, is horrifying.
There's only a few fleeting moments when I'm distracted from this sense of numbness. This.. autopilot. Thats when I feel appreciated and loved. It's when I see something beautiful. Some scenery, some object.. some person.
I dunno what to do. I dunno whats wrong. I just... i want some sense of familiarity, not this homesick feeling i have all the time. I want some kind of routine with out so much stress. I hate letting my family down like i do.. every day.. all because I cant seem to stand on my own two feet.
And I want someone to hold onto when I feel this way. I know Amanda loves me with all her heart, and I her. It's just that I'm so.. inconvenient right now. We have so much trouble just trying to see each other. I've got a life to live here and she has one she wants to live 700 miles away. We wont be able to be together conveniently, to where neither of us has to make any sort of sacrifices, for a few years yet. And... I hate to try and ask her to handle all that... cause its so much... She's a very strong girl but shes got her own battles... I've got this truckload of emotional baggage and am overly affectionate, it's not what anyone needs dumped on them.
*sighs* Pausing from that for a moment... all those scattered and disorganized thoughts.. which probably need to be addressed one at a time...
Candii you're right. I was gonna go through and quote some of the things you said just now but i realize I agree with pretty much all of it. You're right about how the tables have turned. You know me a lot better than I knew and I realized theres a lot I haven't actually opened up to you about. The only person that knows most of those things is Amanda, but I think that maybe it's time to open up to my friends too..
*frowns* These urgent thoughts, this thread. I know it sounds really bad, but don't judge yet or jump to conclusions. Don't go by my first thoughts to try and get an understanding, try to look at it as a bigger picture. Please please be patient with me for the next few days so I can have some time to organize my thoughts. Nothing is going to happen, at least not yet, I don't think. I'm just asking for help because by talking these things out with you all, I feel like that will help me. It's what I can think of right now to do in order to help myself, or at least start helping myself. And its my most productive idea I've had in a while. All this talking is as much opening up to you all, as it is opening up to myself.
|
|
|
Post by notsotearlesseyes on Nov 23, 2005 1:34:38 GMT -5
Well, I was almost ready to confinstate Boots socks for ransom, but it seems he's done an excellent job on his own.
Its really hard for some people to open up, and usually finding the place to start is the hardest of all. But the fact is, boots, you started. You didn't have a loss of words, or no clue what to write. You just needed the encouragement to give it a shot.
Now you can stop blushing, and dont even think about deleating it. *has it copied and saved just incase you suddenly feel you want to take it all back*.
Boots and I have already talked about suicide. He's once told me his story and I have shared with him my two attempts. That's one thing I dont really notice around the boards. The ability to really let go of it all.
To the best friend that I once had, I'm proud of you. It's not over. Not by a long shot. But it's the beginning. That first step along the way that's going to get you smiling again like you did over a year ago. I was there for you then, and I'm there for you now.
To everyone else whom reads this and has this unexpected flash in their hearts. This doesn't sound anything like that happy go lucky guy that everyone loves. He hasn't changed. No, I dont think he's changed on bit. I think now, he's just coming to the conclusion that its okay to show both sides of the mask.
Boots... You may not believe me, but I dont know as much about you as you may think. I know everything there is to know about the guy you wanted me to believe was you. But as for the real you... I'm still learning. I've got over two years of daily conversations with you. But I get the feeling here... For once... I'll get to see the real you.
You started it, Boots... Now its up to you to continue it.
|
|
Pixie
Starbound Butterfly
faith and trust and pixie dust
Posts: 335
|
Post by Pixie on Nov 23, 2005 1:44:10 GMT -5
Kitsune I have no answers-as you know from when we first met and seemed to connect almost instantly I am just as confused and as alone as you feel you are.....and through it all you have always been there-very often silent-and then you would appear when I needed to be held and without saying anything just reached out to give me a safe haven....let me be that for you Isaiah...for I need to be needed as much as you do and lately I just feel like I am a burden to everyone...which is why once more I sit and cry silently every night online-why I am probably setting myself up for more abusive relationships because at least then someone notices me.....and why since I very rarely have the gift of words that you and Candii and Gibby seem to have I just reach out to hold everyone to let them know they are not alone-because ultimately I think that is almost everyone's biggest fear-that we are truly alone and no one cares or notices....*hugs tightly*
|
|
|
Post by Barbed Wire Butterfly on Nov 23, 2005 10:49:45 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]I know.. I wasn't around earlier. but I am now. I didn't really know what to say. Or whether to say anything at all because I have a tendency to turn everything so I look like a victim. I know..don't have to be told. It's just me...through and through...but ..onto what I'm thinking..
When I read this thread several things came to mind. Cliches..you know things people don't really wanna hear but get said over and over anyway? yeah..those..
I will put aside my mommy like thoughts, because the friend one's shout louder.
Slysh. You are great. I can't do anything but relate this to me, because it's how I can explain it. so this time I'm not trying to make myself the center of attention. ~shush Cands~
Yesterday. I smoked my first ciggerette since 8th grade.
I smoked that ciggerette because I felt like I was going to diminish beneath the piles and piles of bills that came to me in the mail..
Every time the mail is delievered I just stare at it.. like it's a mass murderer and the bringer of doom. I became a new mom, but for almost 2 months I was off of work. These bills got a hell of alot worse
I had a baby. Yea..I know..I wasn't ready for it. but she has everything she needs by god...she does or I wouldn't breathe as I do.. Sometimes I have to make a decision.. Milk..or formula.. food or diapers. I take care of her..she's my number one thing. But yesterday it hit me that I might fail ...and fail badly. The bills come in every other day or so....and I'm working again..but part time. I've worked at this place for almost a year and six months..I know the residents. I know their likes their dislikes and their dreams. I asked in January..if I could move to CNA work. I work in dietary right now because of the restrictions. Part time. I went in yesterday to find out when I could switch. Come to find out I couldn't. They won't let me. They said it's not right to switch. When I've been telling them since the begining of the YEAR!.. Jeez Almighty...I felt like I was seeing red... but I didn't lose my temper. I took it. I took it and thought of all the times they had called me in on last minute notice and I jumped to kiss their ass. I did everything everyone asked..and called of 2 days since I've worked there 2days.. People who have walked off the job and quit have been hired back... why can't I just change departments?! ..anyway..with that news I drove to my place I now call home...I sat on the floor...and looked at my daughter in her carrier... I knew then and there I had failed.. and I had failed because I couldn't get a better job for her well being....This being thrown in my face...and the bills...almost sent me to the nut ward last night..but I sat..on the floor..and cried...til I couldn't breathe..til I puked..til I couldn't move.. My daughter slept...through the night...everything came at me..everything I had done..everything that was to come.. I just couldn't help but think of all the problems that would come later. This scared me..because it almost pushed me passed that point. She needs her dad..I can't do that..because he doesn't accept her as his. He came to see her once..and even then threw a chair at me while i was holding her... I'm scared..I'm scared to move. But I know..that what I do..no matter what..I will do with thinking.
...I won't say i know how you feel..I won't say I can help you either...but just know....even if you have baggage....or hang ups.. love is still the key to being happy... My friends love me...and even though I'm a single mom..that's the best thing I've ever had...the blessing I've had from the begining..
If you can't find ways to describe yourself.. ..don't.. explaining isn't what you need to do... being cared about..is all you need to worry..
Bills can be paid....or removed... but your heart, hun,.. .is going to be the same..
I have no idea if that helps...because as I said..it's all I have to offer...[/glow]
|
|
|
Post by Serena Serenity on Nov 23, 2005 18:02:34 GMT -5
I don't have any answers, but you have started hun. I am proud of you .Your stronger then I am. I can't start. I've tried on several occasions, but just can't seem to. I'm the one who helps people and never lets them see what my true problems are. I can say this hun, you can do it. I have complete faith in you. *snugs*
|
|
|
Post by Gibby on Nov 25, 2005 1:39:41 GMT -5
Pix, thanks fo thinking I have a way with words. ~blushes~ I try. Why would you feel that you are a burden? ~huggles~
Twice, I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out for you at work. That sucks. Though I know all too well how it is to work for a department that you put all your hardwork and effort into, and are not appreciated for it. Things will work out. ~huggles~
|
|
|
Post by Gibby on Nov 25, 2005 2:23:40 GMT -5
~big hugs as she reads his post~
I think everyone goes through a time where they think that they have no control over their life. That things are not going as planned.
You say that Happiness is your distraction, and you want to be distracted. Maybe you should strive to be happy in life, and not to be distracted. If you think of happiness as a distraction, maybe you won't ever really be able to be happy. ~shrugs~ I don't know though. It sounds as though you do have your priorities in order,...or at least some of them, when you said that there were people that you didn't want to let down or live without, or have them live without you.
What makes you think you are letting your family down at all? Let alone everyday?
~sits and reads and listens to all you have to say~ I'm not going to try to answer or give advice til I hear it all. And I will never judge, not you, or anyone else. ~big huggles~
|
|
|
Post by Razorblade Butterfly on Nov 28, 2005 12:00:06 GMT -5
Gibby... We'll I've let my mother down and her husband about three years ago when i was a freshmen in college. Its kind of a long story but I'll give you the short version.
Everytime I move, and i have moved consistently about every year or every summer of my life with my mother chasing jobs or breakups, I go through a bout of depression for about a month. It usually only lasts that long before i snap out of it. I lose my friends when i move, lose my familiarity, and it takes a little while to get those back again. But i usually do, I'm usually charismatic and outgoing enough to make friends pretty easy.
But the move from high school to college, out on my own, hit me really hard. I was depressed for about a month, like usual. But i didn't go to class. I got so far behind that there was no way i could catch up, so i ended up sitting in my dorm room all day for a whole semester. I lied to my parents and said everything was alright. I never asked for help and just hid. Then the next semester they gave me another chance, and for some reason, i still didn't go to class. I couldn't face it for some reason. I couldn't face my failure from before.
So I hid another semester and for some stupid reason never withdrew from class. So I ended up with a massive bill that i have to pay back. I went home afterwords and stayed for only a few days.
They didn't get angry. They didn't get mad at me or hit me.. i almost wish they would have. Instead they just gave me the silent treatment and helped me move out to my grandma's house.
Out at my grandma's house i started school right away ata community college. I got straight A's and 9 credits in the summer. I started a job at the local super market and worked my ass off. I finished two more semesters there with a 3.9 GPA. Went to work every day for minimum wage and didn't complain. I drove a half hour to school every day, and a half hour back and didn't complain. I did everything that was put in front of me, and kinda went numb.
It took me three months to save up enough money to go see Amanda in Texas and it was so wonderful, even though it was only for three days.
All that wasn't enough to earn my parents trust again. They refused to be part of any sort of student loans for college.
Then i moved to Lincoln to go to a four year college. One of the best actuary colleges in the nation. I was easily accepted and before i left grandma's house, i thought i had lined up a job and everything. A computer job that paid almost 10 bucks an hour, more than enough to pay the bills at the piece of crap apartment i had found, driving my pos car around.
But here's where the day to day disappointments come in. The job fell through, they kind of drug me around and never hired anyone. I looked around for jobs and finally started to work at a temp work place when money ran out. I did a few med. research studies to pay the bills too and barely scrap by, by the skin of my teeth. With all that going on, I had to withdraw from classes. Things were too hectic and busy, working odd hours, for me to have a mindset to handle going to school.
So i let them down again at school. I'm having trouble finding a job and stuff, and its obvious I'm having trouble trying to stand on my own two feet.
I feel like I cant go back to school until i have some kind of routine and a comfortable sense of familiarity with where I'm living.
Anyways. My parents refuse to help me with bills and things. It's not like they don't have the money to help me, actually they're pretty well off. They even bought a boat recently.
They just want me to succeed before they are going to help me any. They want me to learn the facts of life the hard way, by suffering first and then thriving. Show that i can stand on my own two feet. Then when i don't need their help, they might help.
My mother complains about me never calling her. But I cant face her, let alone have a conversation, with out something to show of myself. At least a job or a good grade or something. Void of that, she's right, I haven't been calling her. I have nothing to be proud about and don't exactly want to call just to get a lecture or another "conversation" about what i haven't done and what i need to do.
*sighs*
My mom had always been so proud of me. I was such a good kid, smart.. helpful.. responsible. I went straight home everyday to take care of my handicap brother. I worked hard at school and had straight A's most of the time, even got mathematics student of the year my junior year in a class of 400 students. Trying to give her a break and let her be proud of something in her life.
And then I started lying to her. I had never let her down like that before. Like i did when i started college and failed at it. I had never failed like that before.. and now I'm paying for it.
I'm paying for it with my own guilt. More than anyone could ever do with punishments. I feel so much stress from my guilt that I'm depressed almost all the time. Even little things relate to me as stress and guilt, even when they shouldn't. Like multitasking. If i was working at the store, you know, stocking the shelves, and got interrupted by a phone call. I'd hang up the phone and go.. what was i doing? And suddenly be overwhelmed by a terrible guilty feeling. It's like the feeling of putting off homework that you need to do, or not doing it altogether.
I have such a terrible memory, and when I forget things, it relates to me a stressful feeling and inevitably, guilt.
|
|
|
Post by Razorblade Butterfly on Nov 28, 2005 12:23:42 GMT -5
Feeling homesick.
I feel homesick all the time. But the weird thing is, I don't have home that i left behind. I don't have a place where i lived and enjoyed being there for years and years. I only live in a place long enough to miss it when i move to the next. I feel homesick for a place that doesnt really exist I guess.
Maybe I just miss the last place I was at. I dunno how to fix that. I'm always gonna move. I'm not in the place where I'm going to, (or want to) stay for the rest of my life.
So i guess i have to learn to make what ever place I'm at, the place i want to be. Or something. Maybe make sure I have something to bring with me to every place I go, something that wont be taken away by moving.
Amanda once told me something that meant a lot to me. When she had left after living with me for the summer, she was really really sad. She was at home with her family and the place she had lived for several years, but she missed me. She said she felt homesick, telling me "you know that expression; the home is where the heart is? I feel homesick because my heart is with you." That was one of the sweetest things she's ever said to me. And I couldn't agree more. I've never felt so at home, so safe, and so comfortable as those nights when I fell asleep with her beside me. Having her to snuggle with, such a beautiful face to be the last thing i see before I fall asleep, and the first thing i see when i wake up.
I miss you Amanda.
uh.. sorry to get all mushy guys. Its just something thats on my chest right now. It really does feel good to open up a little and talk about these things. Thank you for helping.. and listening. Keep me talking please. Ask me anything.
|
|
Pixie
Starbound Butterfly
faith and trust and pixie dust
Posts: 335
|
Post by Pixie on Nov 28, 2005 18:08:13 GMT -5
and you wonder why I think of you as one of my best friends and why I turn to you when I need comfort? you have one of the most beautiful hearts I have ever known Kitsune-even when I know I have driven you crazy you are still there to give me hugs and to support me when I am lost in my own depression-I am always here for you honey-and perhaps we can keep each other talking so neither one of us remains lost in the dark*hugs and kisses and all my love*
|
|
|
Post by Gibby on Nov 29, 2005 22:51:20 GMT -5
It’s hard to admit that you need help. Everyone feels that way. Like you might let someone down. Have you told your mother at this point the reason that you were failing your classes and not going?
It sounds as though you tried turning your life around….taking classes at the community college….the odd jobs….When you say that you didn’t earn your parents trust, have they disowned you sorta, or just not helping with loans? They can’t blame you for the job in Lincoln falling through. That’s not your fault…
And while perhaps they don’t think that you made the right choice by choosing to not go to school right now, I would think that they would support it if it meant a better choice for your overall health and well being…~shrugs~ I mean, I would support it…but I’m not a parent.
Why can’t you call your mother? Maybe she is trying to reach out and try to rectify things and not lecture you? But again, I don’t know…..and again,…here I am being the perpetual optimist…
Why do you feel guilty? Is it really guilt, or something else? And as far as being sidetracked, that happens to me all the time. At work, I will get up from my desk and make it down the aisle…which is only 4 cubes, and get to the end, and be like, “where was I going?” But perhaps that’s cuz I’m under stress at work….who knows. So maybe that wasn’t a good example, but I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone….it happens to me too.
And maybe you are feeling homesick because you feel like you have too many moving parts, and no stability…..that it’s not missing your home, per se, the physical place, but missing the stability of it all? I completely agree with Amanda though. Home is where the heart is……(and I just have to say awwwww to that Amanda )
Looking back, that’s a lot of questions…..but you did say ask you anything and to keep you talking…~laughs~ Answer any of them you like.
|
|
Emilia
Resting Chrysalis
Posts: 19
|
Post by Emilia on Dec 8, 2005 1:51:46 GMT -5
I only Just now got around to reading this, sorry been real busy and with only getting on once a week I miss alot.
Zayah I'm kinda in the same boat right now with alot of the stuff your dealing with, except living on my own with bills..
I mean, me and my mother never got along, from the time I was 12 years old we fought and argued about everything... and she wants me to pay for everything myself.. I mean She buys food once a month and there are times I go 3 or 5 days without eating because I don't want that to have to be money that I need to pay back to her before I leave. I start college in god 3 weeks.. and I don't even have a clue as to how I'm gonna pay, or how I'm going to get back and forth because we don't have a car.
With the depression, I've been in depression since I was 14, they've tried pills, they've tried hospitals... nothings worked so far, short of a padded room and a straight-jacket I don't think much will. And all my shrinks have told me what you said, about the whole bottling things up.. that's what I do... I bottle everything, no matter how small, untill I can't anymore and I break down, I cry I throw things, I scream, I cut myself and it's another trip to the hospital... I've gone through it all... they even tried electro-shock-treatment *sarcastically* That was fun!
But the thing I've learned through everything is that having friends... no matter how far away they are.. really does help when you need someone to vent to. And so far.. leastwise since I met you... you've helped me.. more than you'll ever know. From your second post: "um... the next things i have to say might scare people. I'm worried about that too." The things that might scare us... are the things that you need to talk about more than anything... my sister taught me that.
*Hugs tight* Your my best friend... in the whole world... and I just hope I've helped you even a fraction of what you've helped me.
|
|
|
Post by Serena Serenity on Dec 17, 2005 1:13:14 GMT -5
*bites lip softly* Sweetie, you are an amazing person. You have nothing you should be ashamed for. Trust me. I think if I really opened up, I would disappoint everyone here. Hence why I just can't seem to do it. *shrugs* Anyhow, this isn't about me, this is about you. You are awesome hun and I adore you as a friend. If I could help, I would, you know that. *snugs* Stay sweet. *smiles*
|
|