Post by Hallie on Oct 28, 2005 0:38:14 GMT -5
My story... Hmmm. Well, if I did that, we'd be here awhile. I'll just post different aspects of my stories. This first one will be one of the most recent.
First of all, this all has to do with my son. I am the mother of the cutest little red head. He's such a bright boy, but he's autistic. He was officially diagnosed with Autism on September 7th of this year. For those of you who have no idea what Autism is, WebMD.com is a wonderful site. Here's a link that will give you a good overview, including symptoms and treatment.
my.webmd.com/hw/mental_health/hw152186.asp
Well, another part of the story involves me, and the fact that I have bi polar disorder with mild psychosis. Yes, this means that I am prone to psychotic episodes. Yes, that means I can be a danger to society... which is where my problem comes in to play.
Now for the story.
We all have childhood illnesses or issues that leave us either physically or emotionally scarred. Sometimes its not something that we can help, and sometimes its something treatable. Well, when I was in the 5th grade, I started getting boils on my face. It lasted for years, and I went through every cream, pill and steroid that they could think of to try and get rid of them. Finally, they found something that worked. The drug they put me on was Accutane. Yes, you may have heard of it from commercials that advertised torte lawyers who were trying to recruit people who had been hurt in one way or another by the drug because of the side effects. Well, just so you know, some of the side effects are listed here:
First of all, this all has to do with my son. I am the mother of the cutest little red head. He's such a bright boy, but he's autistic. He was officially diagnosed with Autism on September 7th of this year. For those of you who have no idea what Autism is, WebMD.com is a wonderful site. Here's a link that will give you a good overview, including symptoms and treatment.
my.webmd.com/hw/mental_health/hw152186.asp
Well, another part of the story involves me, and the fact that I have bi polar disorder with mild psychosis. Yes, this means that I am prone to psychotic episodes. Yes, that means I can be a danger to society... which is where my problem comes in to play.
Now for the story.
We all have childhood illnesses or issues that leave us either physically or emotionally scarred. Sometimes its not something that we can help, and sometimes its something treatable. Well, when I was in the 5th grade, I started getting boils on my face. It lasted for years, and I went through every cream, pill and steroid that they could think of to try and get rid of them. Finally, they found something that worked. The drug they put me on was Accutane. Yes, you may have heard of it from commercials that advertised torte lawyers who were trying to recruit people who had been hurt in one way or another by the drug because of the side effects. Well, just so you know, some of the side effects are listed here:
- Changes in mood or thoughts. The Center for Drug Evaluation and Research division of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) warns that Accutane (isotretinoin) may cause depression, psychosis, and thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts, and suicide. The link between Accutane and these mood changes is not clear. Talk to your doctor for more information on whether Accutane is right for you or your child. If you or your child is taking Accutane and has signs of depression, see your doctor for treatment. Even if you stop taking Accutane, depression may not improve.
- Miscarriage and serious birth defects.
- Increase in triglycerides in the blood (certain fats).
- Liver damage.
- Other side effects can include chapped lips, dry skin, dry eyes, and dryness inside the nose and mouth. People also complain of fatigue, sensitivity to the sun, problems with night vision, and thinning of hair.
But, anyway. I was on that for over three years and I was "all better." My boils had gone. My scars were looking better, and I was able to face the world without having to hide behind my hair. But, soon after, I started having weird actions. I couldn't control my rage, and I couldn't stop crying. I was always depressed, had started thinking of suicide, and became a self mutilator/Cutter/Self Injurer... what ever you want to label it. I cut myself in order to find a way to cope with the feelings I had inside... that and I also went after my mother with a dinner fork with the intent of ripping her throat out... When the latter happened, I decided enough was enough, dropped the fork, and told my parents that I needed help.
I got the help I needed... according to what they thought. I was diagnosed with chronic depression and an anxiety disorder. I was put on Paxil, which worked rather well for all the stress I was under back then. This was back in 1995 when I was still in high school. I was on Paxil for a few years, and had no further incidents.
Well, a few years later, I have a baby. (Lets not forget to mention that I was baker acted [incarcerated in a mental institution against my will] during my 6th or 7th month because of suicidal thoughts.) During the whole time he's home, I keep telling people that I needed help. That I wasn't able to take care of him the way he was supposed to be taken care of... and that I was considering giving my son up for adoption if I kept up with the bad thoughts.
Well, no one believed be, because on August 4th, 2005, I blacked out. Evidently, I had slapped my own son "with an open fist" according to doctors' analyses, and bruised my baby boy's face from his hair line to a few inches down from his collarbone on his left side. I didn't wake from my blackout until the morning of the 5th. I had evidently given my son a bath and put him to bed without further incident, because he smelled like shampoo and baby lotion, and was in his room calling for me. When I went in to see what he wanted and to get him up for breakfast, I saw the bruises and panicked. I wanted to throw up because they were so bad. He couldn't have gotten that from falling. I was a surgical technologist, I know trauma wounds, and there were finger welts amid the bruises.
After I got done crying for a few minutes in my panic, I sat him down in his high chair and fed him breakfast while I called a crisis center number. They told me that I needed to get us both into the ER, and that I didn't need to drive. So, I played with him until my ride (the only one I could find on such short notice that wouldn't charge me) got here about 1:30pm, and after he was done eating lunch, we went to the Emergency Room.
Shortly after arriving and telling them that I needed a psychological evaluation and my son needed treatment for his bruises, I was arrested for child abuse. I spent the next month in jail, and got out on September 1st.
I've been court ordered to participate in a Felony Pre-Trial Intervention Program. Basically, what that means is that if I follow my case plan and don't skip or violate my probation, I'll be able to get my son back and the charges against me will be dropped and expunged from my record. I've also been court ordered to attend parenting classes, which I am rather enjoying. As well as mandatory psychiatric care and psychological care... I've received the psychiatric care, but am still awaiting the psychological... hence why I'm telling you all this stuff.
Come to find out, I have been dealing with undiagnosed and untreated Bi Polar Disorder with Mild Psychosis, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder with Anxiety/Panic Attacks. My psychiatrist told me that I could have killed my son and not known it until after I woke up and that I was lucky. He told me that there is a possibility that I could have also killed myself during that "episode." That's what he called it, too... a "Psychotic Episode."
So, now that we all know that I am a mentally deranged puppy, lets say that I'll not be getting my son back until after August 2006 if I'm allowed to get him at all. I'm on so many meds that I don't need to eat food, because the pills fill me up quite nicely. I'm not allowed to get a job, yet no one will help me with my bills, and every time I try to go to the Social Security Administration office, I have an anxiety attack and end up staying home... I'm at the point where I can't afford my medications. I gave up on buying food as I only eat maybe once a day to every other day. I'm constantly begging for gas money to get to my appointments because I can't take the bus without an attack...
And no one will go with me to my appointments to help keep me there... If someone would go with me, I might make it... But, the thought of going alone makes me feel physically ill, and I break out into a sweat. Actually making it out the door brings on the shaking and stuttering, and getting into the car pushes me to tears until the fight or flight reflex is so strong that I bolt back into my home and start turning circles in a corner while crying my eyes out and shaking like a dry leaf in the wind. I've passed out from a few of these attacks.
Well, there it is. That's Hallie... the real Hallie... or the person behind Hallie, I should say. I just wish I knew what to do... everyone here is quick to offer suggestions, but no one is willing to help... to be there... to go with me... to come visit me... Then again, what am I to expect after alienating all of my friends and family for so long? I guess I shouldn't blame them after how hard I pushed them away... I don't deserve their support, anyway. - Miscarriage and serious birth defects.