If I Could Change One Thing...

[PandieCandii]

~*~this post has been deleated by Candii-Lynn~*~

[Alexandrea]

I am so sorry, that is...my god, that is terrible, and there is no worse a feeling then that one right there. This, sad to say, I can actually somewhat relate to.

When I was 11 I had a best friend named Susan. Her and I had been best friends since the first grade. She was the youngest child and the only girl of 3 siblings. The older two in high school or graduated. I was always at her house atleast every other week and it was the neatest place, I was over there so often that I was considered a daughter and the guest bedroom was practically mine.

We had a sleepover at her house the weekend before fifth grade started. We played pool and swam and then in the morning we went out riding bicycles around her neighborhood. It was one of those really nice and homey neighborhoods like you see in all the television series. The neighbors are all friendly and look out for us.

Anyway, when my father came to pick me up I was my usualy whiney " I don't want to go!" self. The Ice cream truck came by and Susan begged her mother to let her go get Ice cream but because I was there her mother would not allow it, atleast not until I left. So I had finally gotten all my things together and unwillingly left with a hug and a wave.

Tuesday was the introduction to the intermediate school. I remember how awkward everyone seemed around me and how everyone stared and turned and whispered as I passed. At the assembly, where all the incoming students and parents had to be, I realized I hadn't seen Susan all day, I figured it was because she was probably at home and her mom was taking care of things up here as a teacher (she taught sixth grade science). In the middle of the assembly one of my classmates came up to me and said he was really sorry about Susan. I gave him a funny look because I had no clue what he was talking about. I told him that I didn't understand what he was talking about and he looked horrifed. He told me that Susan had died and I was just like...no...what are you talking about? I just saw her this weekend! I told my father and he looked as confused as I did.

At the end of the assembly they called for all of the parents with students from Charlotte Anderson Elementary to come up to the stage. I met up with my class mates and all of them were just staring at me and again they were telling me they were so sorry. I remember Janie gasping and saying" Oh my god, you don't know? Susan is dead." All of them told me this and I became horrified. When my father came up to me again I had told him how everyone kept telling me that Susan was dead. He looked at me and told me that it was true. She died Monday. I remember breaking down and crying...then nothing else.

Later on I was told that Her parents tried and tried to get a hold of me but the only phone number I had was the one to my Grandmother next door who appearently failed to tell me that I had any calls. After i had left her house that saturday she went out on her bike to catch eht Ice Cream truck and on her way back she was hit by a car. She didn't have a helmet on. She spent the next two days in a coma and hten finally died on monday.

I remember staying away from my bike for atleast 6 months, six months before I even took it out again and thought about riding a bike. Everything before that moment was basically blocked from my memory as well...until recently, the past year or so, things have started to come back but I have a hard time figuring out what is a memory and what was a dream or a memory that i had imagined to really happen.

I still blame myself for that, though it was not directly and just a course of my actions, I still feel at fault. If I just would of left when my father told me it was time to leave. But there is nothing I can do now, like you said. It happened and that is all that can be said. I wish it was different. I wish I could of atleast seen her and said goodbye, or that I could have gone ot the funeral. Anything...

The doctors say I need to go to a group to work on getting closier (sp?) for it all. I don't know...I am sorry to add my little tale onto yours. And it is not the same story, but I just wanted to tell you, so that you know, your not alone. I feel a similiar pain, a similiar responsablity. And in some strange way we were able to relate and perhaps we will be able to help each other...


~the birdwing butterfly!~

[PandieCandii]

~*~this post has been deleated by Candii-Lynn~*~

[Alexandrea]

I just thought I would read whatever anyone had to say. And like you said, I was surprised to find that we have so much in common. It is very comforting in a way. Yet, again, as you said it is sad to know that someone else has had to go through what I have gone through. I do admit i am much much better then I was. I haven't tried to kill myself in quite a while. I still feel...slighlty lost. I am just glad that my pain, in some way my be able to help someone else. *smiles* I really hope we do become friends. You seem very insightful...not to mention kind and awesome like ^_^.

And as far as you possibly knowing me...I think so...I have to ask 'boots' again to make sure I am sure who you are. But I am pretty sure we have met on EC a couple of times...but they were a while back. ^_^

Anyway...thank you for being so helpful on this board, listeningand giving input. It really helps to have people who genuinely want to help people on here. *huggles*

~The Birdwing Butterfly~

[Serena Serenity]

If I said I knew how you felt, I'd be lying for I don't know. I do know there are things I wish I could change, but even if I could go back, they were circumstances beyond my control. All I can do is offer my shoulder if and when you need it. *nods*