Learning to Fly with Broken Wings

[Alexandrea]

She approached the table that held the journals on it and thumbed through them, she finally found a unique one, one that was pure white with clean pages in it and decided to make it hers. She grabbed a purple and black marker and started creating designs to personalize it a bit. A spider web in the upper left hand corner and a couple of black and purple gothic butterflies, with wings that swirled and twisted at every end. A small smile tugged at her lips as she nodded, satisfied with her handy work. She then opened it and wrote with a black pen, in large swirling letters "The Birdwing Butterfly" and a smaller subtitle that read 'Learning to Fly with Broken Wings'. She set down her pen and grabbed her favorite black and purple mechanical pencil from her bag. Then she proceeded to write, her hand writing swirling and hard to read, strange and exotic.

I just do not get it sometimes ya know? Everything is going so well, right? I have a boyfriend that worships the land I walk on, a family that is finally starting to appreciate me. A best friend that is always there for me. No job but people who will support me and help me out. I do not go to school but there are so many people encouraging me, who believe in me for some ungodly reason that I cannot fathom. So why?...Why is that not enough. What could possibly be so bad in my life that I am still feeling this odd numbness, this unaccounable irritation?

That phrase "what could possibly be so bad in my life" reminds me ofmarch 2004. That was so long ago, I remember how I felt. So abandoned, so alone, so utterly useless. Why would it matter if I were here or there. If I stayed or left? Things are so much more different now. I have made friends and lost. I have been betrayed and left out in the rain to wander lost and alone. Forunate for me I was found and nursed back to health. There have always been people around me, even though most hte time I refused to see them because I was so wrapped up in being so tragically lost. I had to be a fallen. I had to be the sad lost one because as far as I can remember, that is what I have been. So what do I become now that everything is fine and dandy? Now what do I do now that things seem to be going so swell. My life is so wonderful right now. All I have to worry about is getting into a decent college with a good scholarship and then 5 years of music. None of the other classes seem to matter as long as I get to sing. I could take math every year and it would not matter to me if I can only get my degree, if only I can be a singer.

IS that what I am missing? Singing, is that why I feel so lost and incomplete. Like I said, there is no reason to feel the way I do. I am so afraid. I do not want to mess things up. I do not want to go back to relying on sadness and pain to realize that i am even alive.

That is another point. Life lately has seemed so...fake. I can hardley tell what is dream and what is reality. I know it sounds so bizarre but it honestly feels like what I am dreaming is what is happening and what is happening is what I am dreaming. Maybe it is because I am finally starting to believe people. I am starting to veiw everything from a different set of eyes so that now everything has been turned topsy turvy. Oh I am sure none of this makes since. Then again I do not expect it to make any sense because I cannot even begin to sort out what is going on. All I know is that something inside of me wants me to screw up the future that I hold, the possibility of happiness and everything I dreamed of. It is all just hovering over my hand, all I have to do is grasp it...but my hand wants to spasm and swat it away. Everything that I have spent the last couple of years working so hard for and want to spend the next 5 or 6 obtaining. I do not know what is going on...I don not ask for help, or advice, I just wish to clear my head and the process get some sort of clarity on what is going on...

A single sigh escaped her lips as she closed the book and set it in her lap. Her fingers fiddled with the edges and her pale eyes stared at the floor. Lost in thought.

[Alexandrea]

It has been several days in that time much has happened. I am still so utterly confused but somethings are coming up...some options as to why this is happening and as to why that is happening. There are times when I feel like there is absolutely no that I can talk to...not my parents, my people online who do not really know me, my boyfriend, not even my best friend who i tell everything to. Right now I am just...lost. I am at a point in my life where...it does not even seem like I am living...I am, and I am doing some crazy stuff from time to time...but this does not feel like life...there are so many times when I feel like I am in a dream right now just waiting to wake up...not metaphorically speaking or anything like that...it quite literally feels like I am going to wake up. I am still having a hard time figuring out what really happened and what was just somehting I dreamed...*sigh* there is so much i want to talk about...but everytime I get around to it...i just...I can't get it out...

Is it because I can't trust people...not that the people around me are not trustworthy...just that so much has happened...even very recently...

A couple of weeks ago some close friends of mine started a rumor that I was a whore. That I would sleep with anyone that I could get drunk enough to sleep with me. That hurt...not what they said...though yeah it did sting...but the fact that people i had thought of as really good friends would do that to me. Why? Especially seeing as it is not true...not even in the slightest.

*sigh*

then there is the whole thing with umm...we will call him guy. Guy was dating one of those close friends I was talking about just a moment ago. They broke up and then they started hanging out around me more and staying over at the apartment I was staying at...mind you it was his sisters apartment. Well...everyone alwasy got a kick out of talking about me and sexual situations with this person or that person...don't ask me why...it's not like I am attractive like that...that is not the case at all. It's because I was the most innocent out of all of them I suppose. Well the guys are really attractive but I wasn't going to get with them, or even try, I mean...even though me and my boyfriend were broken up for a little bit I still wasn't going to try and do anything! But anyway, they get drunk alot and like to use me as the center of their laughter ya know...come in and rub the croch against me or be like..."Hey 'Alex', would you like to make some tea"(referring to teabagging). Or lets give your mouth some stretch marks, or bend over, or lets see how many penis we can stick in ya or this or that...one night it was so bad I had to go up to the bathroom (the only room with a working lock) and put stuff against the door and turn the shower on and ignore what they were saying...this wasn't guy really...this was guys friend...johnny we'll call him. He was the one doing all the talking...guy...he was the one doing all the action really...he came up to the bedroom that I shared with the baby and crawled into bed with me...I mean...this wasn't the first time I shared a room or bed with guy or johnny, and everytime before Nothing happened...we all fell asleep, no touching each other or anything...we all just bundled up under our individual blankets and that was that. Well he came up there and didn't have his own blanket with him...I only had one blanket...so he asked if we could share...I raised a brow and looked at him for a moment...and then gave him the majority of the blanket and I just dealt with a little cold. then he kissed me...i was like...hey...hold on a second...I didn't say you could do that...what makes you think you can do that...I didn't say any of this...that was all going through my head...i was too shocked really when it happened. But eventually I got my mind back and was like...why did you do that? ANd he was like...well maybe I wanted to. I was like...let's not do this. THen I got up and went downstairs...he got my bed...I got the chair...

The night before I was suppose to leave to visit my boyfriend he did it again...he crawled into bed with me when i was half asleep and pulled me close...I was like...what? And then he started rubbing up against me and I was like...this is not happening...I tried ot be polite and was like...you do realize I am leaving to go see my boyfriend tomorrow right? And he was like...so? At this point johnny walked in and was like..what's going on? Guy got up and I did as well and I walked out of the room...downstairs and and out fo the apartment , I went and sat on the ac units outside and just began to sing to myself until I started crying...then bawling...then I starting dry heaving...I mean...it wasn't really a sexual assault really...but...I was so pissed off...and extremely hurt...these were my friends...then they started getting to serious with their fun and games...sure they were a little uncomfortable but I got use to them...until this started happening. I mean...I should of known something was up when they got all upset when i wanted to go walking somewhere...i wanted to walk to whataburger to meet some of my friends there and they were like..walk? Why don't we give you a ride...or just stay here and get drunk with us...I don't know... but I am glad I left when i did

this all must make me sound like a horrible person...I know it does...it makes all those rumors seems true now...that I am slut...the me and johnny had sex everytime we got drunk...and i had sex with every guy I could get drunk enough not to care what they were fucking...excuse my language...but...it's not true...I never did anything with those two...or anyone else for that matter...I will admit that I am not a virgin...but know this as well...I have only had one real boyfriend...and I have only slept with him for the fact that at one point we were engaged and we were like...well...why wait til marriage? So yeah...call me a slut..whore..whatever you please...I don't care anymore...I don't feel any better telling anyone this...I don't even know why I brought it up...but I felt maybe something would happen...that some switch would go off in me because it only recently occured to me that that is possibly one of the reasons why I am the way I am right now...maybe that is why i don't want to be touched...because I feel so...used...I feel like everyone is like...hey...we are better hten her so she doesn't care...she can't say no because I am better then her...everyone is so much better then me...

I don't feel sorry for my self...honestly I don't. Everything that happens to me is my own fault. No one elses. I tried to blame my parents at one point...but it was me. Every problem I have is because I made the wrong choices. I have no one to blame but myself

yet...that still doesn't make any of it feel better.

Again...i don't know why I wrote about all of this

~The Broken Birdwing Butterfly~

[Pixie]

*picks you up and holds you close stroking your back*you did nothing wrong baby and I am here and will hold you for as long as you need me to

[Gibby]

~gives her big hugs~ I'm sorry Alex. First let me say, that it doesn't sound like those are very good friends of yours that would make up something like that......or even make up any story about you. ~shakes her head~ And I'm sorry that those friends of yours are taking advantage of you.

And why would you say that ...hold on, let me scroll and find it......that "this all must make me sound like a horrible person...I know it does...it makes all those rumors seems true now". I don't think that at all.....it only now makes me see what kind of friends they are,...and if they act like this, then it must be easy for them to make up horrible false rumors.

It sounds like sexual assault to me....it was sexually oriented,...and definitely unwelcome...and uncalled for.....I would try to remove yourself from the situation, where you wouldn't have to be alone with any of them. Because no one should have to deal with that at all.

I can see how it would make you not want to be touched either. But that shouldn't let it stop you. There are great guys out there, and you will find one too. And eveyone is not better than you!!!! How is everthing your fault? This event that your wrote about above does not sound like your fault at all!!!

[Alexandrea]

*snuggles the pixie and smiles* thank you hun

*turns to Gibby* Well, it is my fault because I never made things clear. I just, I don't know, things could of been prevented. And I know that those are not good friends and I know I need to remove myself from the situation. When I get back home I am going to move in with my parents, right now I am away visiting my boyfriend. I feel so horrible though...and frustrated at the same time. Because my boyfriend is EXTREMELY affectionate and last time i saw him...I was as well...and now...I am just...I am cold it seems. I don't laugh so much, I don't smile so much, I don't frown...I am just...empty most the time. I do however, get angry, when he touches me and wants me to do this or that. I just...i lose it. It is so irrational of me but I just go crazy.

We were at a party the other weekend and I talked to someone and mentioned a bit about how I kind fo feel and they all told him to stay away from me for the whole night. But it's like. I love him, I hate the fact that I am hurting him...it actually hurts me sometimes...but the fact remains that I do it, I have no idea why...I was thinking...maybe it's related to that but i don't know, it was just an idea. I am trying oh so hard to figure out why I am feeling hte way I am...i hate feeling so lost in despair in sorrow...especially seeing as my life is fine!

Maybe you can see how all this is so frustrating...the reason why I am upset with myself for allowing all of this to happen, it's starting to affect others now...and I rather it be me alone or no one at all...ya know? *sigh*

I am sorry for that rant...thanks for listening and stuff ^_^
*snuggles pixie and huggles Gibby*

~Broken Birdwing Butterfly~

[Gibby]

Alex, just because you didn't make things "clear" doesn't make it your fault. I mean, I guess I don't know the whole story....but anything that would make you uncomfortable is not your fault....

That sounds like a good plan to move back home with your parents.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about this? About why you feel like that, or act like that?? I would think that he would be understanding. I'm sorry to hear that you feel empty a lot of the time. ~big huggles~ Based on the experiences that you have described, it doesn't seem so irrational. Besides, if you love him, and he loves you, then he should listen and respect what you have to say. If he doesn't know what is bothering you, then he can't help.

I think everyone goes through the same thing that you are going through, trying to figure out why they are feeling the way that they do. I am going through this with my boyfriend now, though it's a little different....but I'm still struggling with why I am feeling the way that I do..~shrugs~

Don't be sorry for the rant.....that's what these boards are here for!! ~big huggles~

[Alexandrea]

~takes out a pencil and writes, dispite the fact that she has not been here for months~

Bleh...pure and simple

[Pixie]

*curls up quietly at your feet*can I second that feeling if I promise not to cry?