Blue's Poetry

[blue rhapsody]

Speaking

For five years, I could not speak.
He took all the words
and left numb confusion.
Or was it me?
I wasn't sure, so there was nothing to say.
It's funny that I could speak
only in the face of what I dreaded most.
It's funny that the one who understood
didn't need to hear the words aloud.
He just knew.

[blue rhapsody]

I feel
I’m not the real
I’m the dream
After waking,
I’m the hazy surreal.
I’m only a memory
A fading memory
A shadow wasting
A non-entity,
And you realize
I’m not worth it.
Dreams aren’t worth it,
Worth dwelling on,
Existing in.
And as you leave me here,
I evaporate and
disappear…

[blue rhapsody]

Sometimes when it hurts the most,
when I can’t squash it anymore,
I slip and fall into a dream.
He says it’s okay to say it,
he's listening
and he cares.
So,
aching and desperate,
I let the words tumble from my lips like stifled tears

When I wake up,
I am alone
And I remember why I never spoke.
It didn’t matter at all--
It meant nothing--
And I feel both stupid
And a little empty.

[blue rhapsody]

Invisibility

I vehemently blamed myself
But truly,
It was all my desperation.
I didn’t want to accept the blame.
I didn’t want to be guilty.
I didn’t want to be at fault.
I only wanted to punish myself
to make it hurt more--
Pour salt in the wound and grind it in.
I’ll damage myself and then bleed here
alone.
After all, what no one sees
doesn’t exist.

[blue rhapsody]

I don’t believe it.
I don’t want it.
It wasn’t me,
It wasn’t him.
It wasn’t this.
No words.
No coherent thought.
Numb and dull,
speechless,
struck dumb and
thoughtless.
I want tears,
I want silence,
I want empty darkness.
Back me up against the wall and press me,
let me fade.
Don’t bother with forgiveness
Because I don’t think I ever will.

[blue rhapsody]

I shiver,
internally wracked with dismay
and desperate denial;
And I’m torn between telling
and the silence of lips
hushed by dire mistake
and the bare prospect
of an ultimate consequence.
I surrender my protestation
in the face of defeat,
wrapped in the loneliness
of silent acceptance.

[blue rhapsody]

Most of the time I don’t think about it.
But
sometimes,
it gets excruciatingly close
and I wish that it was mine.
But then I remember that it can’t be,
and
as it recedes
and fades from view,
the sting becomes a dull
and muted ache,
a small broken place.