Sometimes Its Too Much.

[PandieCandii]

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[Altariel]

Hun..... I have been there!!!! amost 6 six years ago now. The same exact thing, for different reasons but you are in a depression and to need to see a doctor.

[PandieCandii]

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[Altariel]

I wish I knew what to say about getting through the night, my nights then were spent crying till I feel asleep back then and no one to talk to................but I am here ~S~ and willing to talk

[Pixie]

I have no true answers honey-my problems are nothing compared to yours and I cannot cope with them lately-I used to RP to try to find a release from my own pathetic life-but I realised the other night that I wasn't sure who is having the breakdown-my character or myself.....I go to other sights where I can attack and kill things and then play mindless games alone online until I cannot keep my eyes open.....and still sometimes cry myself to sleep after crying all night in front of the computer-I speak to fewer and fewer people because I feel like I am a burden to them all.....and yet if I see or hear of someone in pain I try to reach out to them.....as if just maybe by helping someone else I can forget who I am for a while...all I can say is I am usually around if you need to talk*hugs shyly and slips back to her own shadowed corner*

[Hallie]

I'm not going to do the cliche thing and tell you that I know how you feel, Darling. I'm not going to sit here and belittle you for what you've gone through, nor for what you may or may not be thinking. But, I can be brave and let you know that you're not the only one here who's been on the brutal end of sexual assault.

It seems that lately I've been telling my story a lot more often lately. It seems to be the only reason why I've survived for so long. And for those of you others reading this, if you don't want to hear about rape and sexual molestation, then this isn't your post.

I suppose It started about a year ago. Everything was starting to look up, and I was getting along with life again. The depression had started going away, and I was able to cope... Then my Ex came into my life. We hit it off early in the relationship, and I started caring for him. I trusted him, and such... I still do. But, after a week or so of his staying, I started having nightmares. I kept logs of my nightmares and kept a running tally of how many times I had each dream as they all kept recurring over and over again, and I'd always either wake up thrashing and in a cold sweat, or beating my ex up as he was next to me. *Sighs* He still doesn't know the real reason I made him leave.

The nightmares got to the point where I made him leave. I literally made him pack it all up and bought his bus ticket for him, and waited until I saw the bus pull away with him on it. He thought that I was cheating on him. He thought that I wasn't in love with him anymore... He thought that I was sick. Well, all of the above was true, but couldn't have been more false.

As it turns out, I was remembering things that have happened to me in the past, as recalled by my parents. They don't know about a few of the incidents that I remember, but they were able to tell me about a few of the more violent ones. Here is what I remember.

When I was five years old. I lived in Sigonella Sicily with my parents and my older brother. Now, I know my older brother would never hurt me, and would kill anyone who'd try. But, the one secret that I never told him was that his best friend that he had over in Sig had molested me on quite a few occasions. He'd made me bathe in front of him, while he played with me and tried to get me to fondle him. I think my mom had a good idea that someone was hurting me, because that was about the time she started trying to get me to tell her if anyone was touching me inappropriately... But, by then, the poison had already been set. He'd already threatened me and told me not to tell. And like the naive little girl that I was, I was afraid to tell, so afraid that I pushed the memory so far back in my head, that it took me getting into a serious relationship to remember it... and the memory was so vivid and haunting that I sent him away.

The next time I was sexually assaulted was when I was 14. I was living in Jacksonville, Florida at the time, and my third cousin was in town with his mother. He was 22 and good looking, so I was embarrassed and giddy. He wanted me to show him around the neighborhood, to spend time with him while he was visiting. I didn't have many friends, so I was just ecstatic that he was paying me attention. He'd heard of some nature trails nearby and wanted me to take him there. It was a Sunday, and during church hours, so there were few people around. We walked for hours until we were deep in the woods, and that's where he attacked me.

Afterward, it hurt so bad to sit down that I just sat huddled against a tree. I still had his scent on me, and all I wanted to do was go home and take a shower. I begged for him to let me go, and he waited until after he'd smoked a cigarette before allowing me to stand and lead the way back home... kicking me in the back of the leg when I started walking funny because of the pain I was in... the pain he inflicted on me.

The rest... I had been raped by three more people that I can remember. Once when I was 16 by someone I once considered a friend, three times when I was 17 by another person I knew, and again when I was 19. I'll leave out the gory details, but the abuse and bruises were real.

What was worse, is that I had to remember all of this all at once... I couldn't get enough showers, even though it had all happened so many years before. I didn't want to eat, couldn't sleep, or when I did sleep, I never wanted to get up... It felt as if I had done something wrong and had to be punished by being alone... and I eventually got myself that way. I drove everyone away.... Friends... Relatives... Everyone. No one cared, at least I thought that way. I couldn't function at work and kept asking for help, but no one would help me... not even my parents. No one understood what I was going through because I was too ashamed to speak up about what I needed help for... I became a cutter, though no one knew. My scars are hidden from the world, and not even my doctor has found them yet. I wanted to die, and at that time, only my son was keeping me alive... I had to stay alive for him... so no one would violate him as I'd been violated.

I can't say that I understand exactly how you feel, Tearlesseyes. I can't say that at all, hunnie. I wish I could so that I could know what to tell you to help you cope. But what I can say is that I'm here to listen to you. What happened to you can't wreck your life. We can't let it. If it wrecks your life, then your attacker has won. And that's never been in any happy ending I've ever read... and I'm hoping to someday find that happily ever after... no matter how hard I have to fight to get it.

If you need to talk, I'm here. There are numerous ways to get ahold of me if you don't want to post your ills on the open boards. Just pick one and send.

[~*CD*~]

Sweetie...I to have been there, and I just want you to know that if you need someone to talk to, then you know where to find me...You to Hallie *hugs*

[PandieCandii]

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[~*CD*~]

Sweetie, I am always here. I have offered my shoulder to cry on, and my ears to listen to each of you at one point in time, be it in my EC chara form, or IRL...I have been there for each and everyone of you, and I will continue to be *smiles*

[Hallie]

Tearlesseyes,

Its my pleasure to lend an ear should you need it on nights like that. That's what I'm here for. As much as my problems overwhelm me, its getting through it and helping others along the way that help me in my recovery. When things are at their worst, and you just need someone to talk to... I'm usually here, and am willing to give my number should you need a voice, rather than words on a screen. My heart goes out to you.

[Gibby]

I used to think that I was good with advice, and knowing what to say. And usually I am pretty good with it. But advice and opinions have some sort of basis for it, knowing the person very well, knowing the situation very well, etc.

Can one offer advice on a situation one has never experienced?

And though I have never experienced anything like that, I want you to know that I am here to listen. You won't hear me say, I know how you must feel, or I know what you are going through, because I don't, not at all. But I hope that won't stop any of you from coming to me for help. Reading your posts touched my heart.
And I am willing to offer any help that you might need. Even if you think having a fresh face or new opinions might help. I am here for you.

[Pixie]

thank you for inviting me.......but I am not sure I belong here...I am not sure I truly have anything to offer anyone anymore....*slips away*

[PandieCandii]

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[Pixie]

I would be afraid of boring everyone by talking about me......I am not interesting......after all I am 41 and I spend my time online hoping to RP and get to play characters that I try to make different from me......my whole life I have been told what a disappointment I am.....in my looks.....in how I act....in the type and age of those I choose as friends......in my horrible taste in the few boyfriends I have had......in my choices in what jobs I have had.......I have never once in my life done the right thing in anyone's eyes.....why should now be any different?

[Hallie]

Tearlesseyes,

It takes a -lot- to offend me, and not asking for something due to a hearing disability is not high up on the list of things that will or even could offend me. To tell you the truth, I normally read people's lips, too because it helps me focus on what's being said... Sort of a comprehension disorder I have (yes, I am full of disorders. I have dyslexia, too... its amazing that I can read half the posts. LOL) But, the point is, I'm here. Whenever. *Giggles* After reading your post with the dream interpretations, all you should have to do is focus on me hard enough and "make" me get online... Hey, stranger things have happened.

[PandieCandii]

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[Hallie]

*Snickers* "Bubbles and all.." I take showers... so its easy enough for me to just rinse off real quick and wrap a towel about me and rush for the computer... though I might want to invest in some type of deck shoes so that I don't go slipping and sliding about my wall to wall tile floors.

As for your uncanny abilities, I'm not against it. I've spent time trying to develop my own. You got it, use it. Ya got a willing guinea pig.

[PandieCandii]

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[Hallie]

*Laughs* Oh, Dear Gods what have I gotten myself into? *Mock worry*

[Pixie]

*bites her lip* I have gotten used to hearing that and yet so many of the people that tell me they wish to be my friend and will be there for me forget me almost as soon as I start to talk to them....or just never seem to get any messages.....tis why I very very rarely message anyone-if I am going to sit alone and be ignored I might just as well not even try to talk to people...tis not hard to get a hold of me if you want to talk.....I just no longer really have the energy left to try anymore......