Gibby's Day to Day Life

[Gibby]

~she picked up a plain blue notebook from the table, and sat down, holding it in her hands. It was plain, but welcoming, just like her life.

She thought about how she was never good at journaling, but that perhaps it was time to start. She needed to get her thoughts out onto paper,....to tell someone...or something.....perhaps they would become clearer reading them as opposed to just thinking them. But where to begin?~

Have you ever had that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, the kind where you missed someone so much that it hurt? .......And to be sitting next to him at the time? Weird, I know.

But that seems to be how my life is lately....weird. I'm confused, and don't know what is going on.....well, not so much what is going on, as I am coherent, but more in the fact that I'm questioning my world around me.....my job and what I really and truly want to do in life, as well as now, dating my bf.

~she re-reads what she posted~ I can't believe that I actually said that...well, wrote it. I haven't told anyone that I am currently questioning dating my bf, though I guess I really have been feeling like that. It's really been a variety of things that have sort of triggered it.

I guess it really all started with the fact that he told me that he wanted to go looking for engagement rings....next summer. (we've been dating for one year). I mean, who says something like that 8 months in advance? So, I have been thinking about that a lot lately......i mean, who wouldn't?

From there, it seems like lately it has been downhill. It started with the Church issue (briefly, Church is important to me, and he said some things that I didn't agree with and upset me), continual not listening to what I say, not spending time with me.....I mean, it's a lot of little things that end up adding up....which I will probably share more later,..or if you want to know, just ask.....

He doesn't say what is on his mind. Whenever I tell him stuff like this, he just doesn't really say anything,...doesn't defend himself, or make any comment whatsoever.

He has this way of not saying anything, but saying enough that we end the conversation with a never really definitive end result, but that at the time I don't keep questioning it while we are on the phone.

Like tonight, for example. I went on and on about how If we were going to be looking for wedding rings next summer, that we needed to spend more time together, as we really only see each other once a week with our hectic schedules. I told him flat out that if we continued this way, only roughly seeing each other once a week, then i wouldn't be ready to look for rings next summer. That there were a lot of important issues that we haven't talked about. And how I was trying to make an effort, but it didn't seem like he was...either with this past weekend, or other instances,...or even talking on the phone. And he didn't really say anything....no comments in regards to what I said.....and again,..here I am off the phone wondering where things stand.....

And then over the weekend, I had this long dream about a crush of mine from college....and it was random and out of the blue,...my friends and I weren't talking about him, or I didn't see his picture....yet I dreamed about him...another weird occurance.

I mean, I love him,....don;t get me wrong....

But I just don't get it, or i guess him, right now....

~she reads what she wrote and quickly shuts her journal as she knows that she is rambling. She realizes that perhaps this is different than what the boards were originally intended for, or from other people's thoughts and concerns, yet needs someplace to share it. Perhaps it might make more sense later, or perhaps it might need more clarification later. Who knows.~

[Pixie]

I have no answers hon-just a willingness to let you ramble while you work things out in your head...I am not hard to find..at least not at night...*hugs tightly*

[Gibby]

~she reads her entry again~

Does anyone have any advice? Or can relate?

Am I just crazy perhaps, or overracting?

[Cj]

You ask for advice, and I've been racking my brain trying to come up with the best, but all I've got is the best I can offer.

Men haven't always been very good at the whole showing emotion thing. Trust me, I was told this just yesterday by someone close to me. Sounds like your guy is no different.

But to not comment at all is nervewrecking. It's completely understandable to question the thought of an engagement ring when the two of you hardly communicate all that well.

I'd suggest you bring it up with him again. Tell him that you've been bothered with the lack of interest he's been showing in the things that you have been questioning, and that it's getting too hard to just guess what he feels.

If he can't express himself, then how are you to know whats going on in that head of his.

He may just come up with another short answer that doesn't really solve it, but don't let it go at that. Guys need to be constantly reminded that they aren't helping matters with their unwillingness to talk about what their feeling.

Its not their strong point (no offense guys). Just like girls need to be constantly reminded that their loved, guy's tend to need to be reminded that we need reminding.

I dont know how long you've been with your old man, so I can't really say what to do. Everyone's different. But I can say that if you dont get answers, real answers, you're always gonna question it.

[Gibby]

~hugs~ Thanks Pix.

Cj-thanks for all your advice. It has definitely given me plenty to think on, and plenty to discuss with my bf again. ~hugs~ It is truly appreciated.

[Pixie]

one last thought honey-if you have this much doubt now it is most likely only going to get worse and perhaps the universe is trying to prevent you from a bigger heartbreak down the road

[Gibby]

Pix, that is a very good point. ~shrugs~ I just don't know what to think anymore.

As an update.......Since the initail posting, I did talk to him, and tell him that I was frustrated that he didn't say anything when I said that stuff, so I didn't know how he was feeling....and that I was unsure how things were left. He assured me that he would try to be mroe open.....~scratches her head~ though didn't really say anything about seeing each other more.....oh well....I've decided that I am going to see how things go for the next two months or so, and if things start to improve, then great....and if not.....well, if not, then I guess I have some serious soul searching to do....

[Pixie]

well I am around if you need to talk honey*hugs shyly and slips away*

[Gibby]

So I was recently told that I was a very patient person and that they liked that about me. As well, as that I was patiently trying to work out my troubles with my boyfriend.

But when does being patient, waiting and trying to work our troubles out become sticking around too long and being delusional that things can be changed, when really they can't?

I have been thinking about everything that has been happening lately, and really can't decide if I'm just being a girl and over analyzing things,...or if this is truly something that can be overcome....though I still stand firmly about waiting a few months to see if anything changes after I made my concerns and feelings known.

I have recently decided that I feel like it has become a relationship of convenience for him, and perhaps has fallen a little too comfortable with our relationship....

An example, we were supposed to be going shopping today(saturday) for gifts for his nieces and nephew. We had made the plans to go today, but no definite plans on times and such....One would have thought that last night(friday), he would have called to finalize the plans and time and such, if for no other reason than to talk to me...but did he? no.....I had to call him this morning to see what time he thought we were meeting. He had said on thursday that he was going to call last night and then didn;t. He claims that he thought I had said that I was going to call him, or he misunderstood me, or something....but it's like that with him....sometimes he calls, and sometimes he doesn't,...so some nights we don't talk at all....which I think is weird...especially when one is thinking about the next step in the relationship....it's like he'll call when he wants to, and if not, then that's ok too....not even a voicemail to say he's thinking about me...or a 2 minute call, just to say hi, but he can't talk....It's like he'll call whenever he has time to talk to me....which lately hasn't been a lot.....and to me that's really frustrating....because one would think that you would want to talk to the one you are dating about anything and everything, all the time if you could, and see them all the time....but such is not the case with him.....~shrugs~ so I don't know if it's something that can be "fixed" per se..or changed....or if I'm overreacting....

~shrugs~ But it sucks feeling like you aren't wanted.....I felt like this because I told him that I think we need to be seeing each other more consistently more than once a week, because it won't work going from seeing each other once a week to being married, together all the time...and the response I got to that??....was...So,...what do you want me to do?...and then basically in that conversation as well....and i wish i remembered his exact words, but to me,..translated into....that I was basically needy in my time that I needed to see him.....

So, now that I have completely rambled....anyone?? Am I just overreacting,...or completely justified??

[Pixie]

honey it sounds like he cannot even commit to a simple date-how can he commit to something larger? and it appears to me from this that he does not even take your feelings into consideration on anything....I just don't see how this is going to get any better-and I don't want to see you hurt....*hugs shyly*

[Gibby]

~hugs Pix~ Thanks.


~she picked up her plain blue notebook again ,and started writing whatever came to her mind....~

......so, what do you think when you hear that someone left me walking around the middle of downtown Chicago at 10:45pm, in 20 degree F weather, by myself, looking for a cab to get to my car, to drive home, while he walked the other direction to get to the bus.....

AND...who did not tell me to call him when I either 1-got to my car, or 2- when I got home......but I had to ask him if he wanted me to call him when I got home or to my car....and he was like, yeah, you could do that....

...my bf, my bf....ohhhh my bf.....~sighed then frowned as she shut her notebook and walked out~

[Pixie]

*hugs you tightly*he does not sound like much of a bf to me honey

[Gibby]

~she walked in slowly and picked up her notebook. Sitting down at the table, she opened it and began to write..........she hung her head for a second, before deciding that she had to just jump right in~

I did it. I ended things with my bf tonight. And I have a mixture of feelings about it. Shadiness for doing it over the phone around the holidays,...but when one is at home until your birthday,.....i can't very well break up with him on my birthday,....cuz that would suck even more,...well for me at least....but i couldn't very well drag it on for 2 more weeks until after January if I was feeling like this now. It really was a bad timing issue.....

.....but in a way, I have this relief, almost....and weirdly calm. I didn't cry, like I thought I would....and after talking to my friends, decided that I am calm, because I have thought it out long and hard and made a very sound decision...and not rash and spur of the moment.

......the anxiety is gone for the most part.....i was told yesterday by someone that I seemed to be depressed, but decided today upon advice from my doctor friends that it was not depression I was suffering from,....it was anxiety instead.....and most of that is now gone.....except for the small part of me that hurts because I broke his heart....though I still feel like he is in denial...and was trying to get me to reconsider.....

......but it's not healthy for me, and not fair to me.....I seriously have been suffering from anxiety....and one can only take that for so long.....I look at me now, and see that the me I used to be is gone......so hopefully this break will allow me to regain my health and sanity and get back to how I used to be. ~shrugs~ I don't really know....I think it still hasn't really sunk in yet....and soon it will....and I hope things will be ok.....and I hope that he can move on and accept my decision....

.....so now i feel.....too many emotions to try and sum them up....

[Pixie]

it comes down to you taking care of you first honey-and you have many friends that are here for you-me for one*hugs tightly* remember we love you

[Cat]

Gibby--My mom told me a very useful thing after my first boyfriend dumped me: She told me that no boy is worth your well being. If he made you feel that bad, you were better off leaving him. From what I read before, he didn't seem that serious. It'll take time, and you'll feel better. *nods and hugs*

[Gibby]

~hugs tightly~ Thanks Pix. And that is what I basically decided....~shrugs~ it's still hard though.

Cat, thanks, that is very useful advice....and seems to be the consensus. Yeah, he didn't seem serious....and tonight on the phone it was, i shouldn't have let it get that bad.....i was thinking,....yeah, you shouldn't have...it will take time,....and will be better in the long run, I know....~hugs~

[Cat]

you're welcome*hugs tight* and if it gets too hard, we're here for you.

[Gibby]

~she walks in and as she sits down, she gets her notebook and starts to write~

An update......It's been roughly two and a half weeks since I broke up with my boyfriend....and surprisingly enough, I feel great!! People at work tell me that I look happy.

He is still in denial, oddly enough. He still thinks of me as his gf and knows that I am the one he is going to marry.

These days, it seems as though I tend to disagree. The more that I think about it, and analyze it, the more that I decide I don't think he really is the one for me. I'm not excited when he calls....now it's more like, well, I should pick up, or I should call him back .... should...should ......not, want.....~shrugs and sighs~ We shall just have to see how things play out. Though I do seem happier and more like the person that once I was.

Someone please tell me that chivalry is not dead. Lest I lose all hope... Between watching Pride & Prejuidice with that good old fashion charm and hospitality, and being on a military base, with all their polite mannerisms....one just can't get any better than that.

I'm still undecided as to what I want to do with my life.....now that I have hit 25, I seem to be going through this quarter life crisis,...what with me not knowing what I really want to do all the days of my life, and having this fresh new outlook on life, breaking up with the bf........though I think most of that is from watching RENT..... ~smiles and ponders on the movie~

~deciding that this is really all to write at the present moment, she closes her notebook and pushes it to the center of the table. She stands and then heads to the door~

[Gibby]

I'm glad to hear that you are more like your old self. And I guess I never really realized as well, how much your own mood could be affected by someone else's. I find it interesting that you find it interesting, though interesting in a good way. And you don't seem like an emotional mess to me....but what do I know? ~winks~

I can relate to you feeling like an impartial observer. Most times I feel like that here. I read the posts and the stories, and think that I've never experienced something like that, nor ever known someone who has. But I am always here to read, and to listen, and to give advice when asked.

Doesn't it always seem like Mothers know best? When I started telling her things that were going wrong in my relationship, she told me that she didn't think that he was strong enough for me. That I was very indenpendent and a go-getter,...and that he didn't seem to fit what I needed. It's amazing what people can tell you and advise you on, when you ask, or look for it, and are ready to accept. And I definitely agree that you need to trust your own judgement and instincts, beacause those are the best....and no one knows what is right for you besides yourself...as hard as that is.

Yes, I did visit the south, though never really left the military base that I mentioned in the above post. And there was plenty of chivalry there. ~she smiled hearing that chivalry was indeed not dead~ Maybe I should move to the South to live? ~smiles and shrugs~ I don't think that I have lost all faith or given up on that yet....

And as for hijacking my thread....I don't mind. I enjoyed what you posted, and was glad to see you around as more than an observer. ~winks~

[Gibby]

One of my friends had forwarded this to me. After reading it, there wasn't one thing that I disagreed with, so I thought I would share it here:

Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, do what makes you happy.
Never apologize for giving your best in a relationship that just didn't work out.
Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.
Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.
Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.
Don't apologize for being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing.
Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.
Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.
Never apologize for keeping the ring even if wedding bells won't chime.
Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.
Never apologize for saying NO.
Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.
Never apologize for ordering dessert.
Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out.
Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.
Never apologize for changing your mind.
Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.
Never apologize for being you! KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD!
ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT GOD LOVES YOU AND HE ALWAYS HAS YOUR BACK.